Friends With Benefits
It was a summer in college and I wanted a boyfriend. To change things up, I created an okCupid profile, put my best photos and made myself sound amazing. After a series of first dates that didn’t go anywhere, I get a message from this charming and attractive young guy. He asked me to meet him. Score!
This was it, I could feel it. I dressed up and met “ Mr. Wonderful” at a park. We had good chemistry, he knew it, I knew it. That night, in conversation, he told me he desired to take me out to dinner to his favorite restaurant, to take me out to grab his favorite ice cream and eventually meet his family. Call me gullible, but in that moment I loved everything he was telling me. After a while of not having dated, I felt wanted again. Understandable, right? One night, turned into one month, turned into three months– you get it. We became a thing without a label.
I genuinely felt this guy would eventually choose me as a girlfriend if I gave of myself to him. It felt like the right thing to do. The realization that he was not going to commit to me came half way through this whole friends with benefits relationship. While on one hand oxytocin (the bonding hormone) had me stuck on Mr. Wonderful, my heart was not emotionally satisfied because I knew he was using me. So what did I do? I compensated. I began dating another guy simultaneously solely because I knew he truly liked me for me and he actually wanted to commit to me and marry me, unlike Mr. Wonderful.
The funny thing is that although I compensated by starting to date another guy, I also asked Mr. Wonderful to promise to remain faithful to me until this “thing without a label” would end. All in hopes that if I kept him around me long enough he would eventually realize what an amazing girlfriend I would be!
What a roller coaster! My heart was wrecked.
Eventually, I ended things with Mr. Wonderful. It was difficult. In that conversation, I looked him in the eye and asked why he insisted on using me? He negated the fact. So I brought up our promise. I wanted to leave knowing he was at least faithful to me and only me, even though I knew I hadn’t been.
He looked at me and went silent, then, “ Kiki, last Saturday I went to a party, got drunk and hooked up with a girl.” My stomach dropped and my heart was shattered. It was clear : I didn’t deserve this! I didn’t deserve to be used. No human deserves to be used, which means he didn’t deserve to be used by me either and the girl he hooked up with didn’t deserve to be used by him. Not to mention, that even if the usage is emotional like it was in the case of the second guy I dated, it is not okay.
Maybe you too find yourself in a “thing without a label” ? You are stuck between knowing this is not what you want and not being able to leave the person because you get something out of it– an emotional high, physical pleasure, social status. Whatever it is, you can become free.
Here’s how:
- You are of infinite value. You need to do your part in discovering your value and worth as a human being. When you do, all else will flow. Ask God to show you.
- Self-respect. Once you discover you have infinite value and worth, you will understand you are due respect from others and most importantly from yourself.
- Standards. Naturally, when we respect ourselves we will have expectations or standards for how people should treat us. Standards are good and necessary.
- Friends. When you feel the ache of loneliness, run toward your community. God works through people. He shows us his love through people.
You are made for authentic relationship.
