Dating is Not a Waste of Time
There are more than a few signs that our dating culture has hit critical mass on the loco-meter. For one, the Snapchat and Instagram DMs have by-and-large replaced the task of asking someone out in person. Second, saving physical intimacy for marriage now raises eyebrows left and right; it’s now seen as a stepping stone, a prerequisite, to know if you even want to date that person in the first place, let alone get married. Last, but certainly not least, Taco Bell is a frequent spot for many first dates.
These deeply concerning trends, amidst many more, have warped what dating is supposed to be. The fact that our culture has dropped the ball so spectacularly on the basics of dating reflects a harsh truth: we’ve stopped treating dating with its proper respect. So many young men and women believe that dating is at best a backdrop, or at worst an obstacle, to an inevitable hook up and nothing more.
Many of our nation’s young adults see a forked path, and feel forced to pick one or the other: hook up or turn away from the opposite sex altogether. While it seems patently bananas, a considerable number of young men and women choose option two. Why would they go to such a lonely extreme? I think we can take a quick peek into the stories of a young man and a young woman to diagnose the problem and, with luck, find a solution.
Put yourself in the shoes of a young man in high school for a second. Let’s say, for the story’s sake, that you’ve grown up correctly believing that dating is meant to be a period, full of trial and error to be sure, of discernment. You go on dates with marriage on your mind, looking to see if each girl is “the one”. You try your best to be a man of chivalry, much like the ones you’ve read about, opening doors and pulling out chairs for every girl you date. But, in a culture that sorely lacks the values of chivalry, every girl you meet downplays it. They’ve been taught that “bad boys” are the ones they really want at the end of the day. They lower their bar according to the culture’s standard and don’t appreciate how much you fight for them. You quickly conclude that all girls are the same and that dating is no use. You feel unappreciated and used, and you say, “Why even try?”
Young women, unfortunately, walk down the same thought path. They’ve probably read “Pride and Prejudice” and, much like Elizabeth Bennet, have decided that no man could ever hope to buck the stereotype and prove worthy of them. They see the true beauty of an authentic relationship and want nothing more than a man who looks at them like there’s nobody else in the room. But then, their lofty expectations are met with a truckload of boys (not men; there’s an important distinction here) who know all too well how to “play the game.” These “players” (aptly named) know exactly how to play on a girl’s emotions, artfully going through all the motions of courtship and dating with the singular goal of using the girl physically. Many young women rightfully perceive these dishonest intentions and, unfortunately, conclude that just about every man is the same. They declare war on the male sex and rally behind the twisted, spiteful banner of “men are trash”.
So many toxic relationships, so many ugly breakups; it’s no wonder that droves of young people ask themselves, “What’s the point?” and never hear a sufficient answer. All too many mature men and women look out at true companionship and see a pool of boys and girls who are totally unprepared for a relationship. In turn, they harden their hearts to protect themselves from the pain and heartbreak they deem imminent and inevitable. They cast dating out as a waste of time.
If you’re a young person reading this, chances are you have some friends or peers that have more or less gone down this road. Ask yourself this; do they seem happy? In spite of their many protests, look into their hearts; they may not know it, but they’re crying out for true companionship. They may not feel it, but they want the love that they deserve.
And now, we approach our central point. Turning away from dating is not healthy! We may have had painful past experiences with dating; Lord knows I’ve had more than I can count! But that doesn’t mean we can’t solve the problem by throwing out the baby with the bathwater. By neglecting a good thing because of its misuse, we close ourselves off to the world and expect to be comforted in our isolation.
In truth, we’re not made to turn inward; we’re made to turn outward. We’re made for love.
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The Ancient Greeks understood this. You may recall from high school history that Ancient Greece was split up into these small city-states where everything was structured around families; they knew how important family was. They had a term for people who wanted to turn away from everyone else. Do you know what the word for “loner” was in Ancient Greek?
“Idiot”.
Now, this does not mean we’re all idiots when we slip up, but it does mean that rejecting the beauty of human connection we were made for doesn’t make sense. Romantically or otherwise, choosing to turn our backs on connection is no way to treat those around us. Imagine writing off half the planet; could that, in any context, be a loving way to see people? I cannot be convinced that absolutely every man or absolutely every woman out there is selfish and bitter. If our culture lacks love, our response can’t be to take our own hearts out of the equation.
By contrast, we’re called to be more loving! God wants us to step up and, like the saints, redeem our culture by being our authentic and loving selves, no matter how out of place we may look. St John Paul II describes the human family as a “community of persons”. When we view humanity this way, there’s no turning back. When we see how God calls us to be of service to those around us, the cries of “all men” and “all women” sound just as hollow as they do defeatist.
Writing off dating as a waste of time runs the inevitable risk of damaging the heart. In closing your heart off to the possibility of romantic attraction, you completely shut down a core element of the human heart. As human beings, attraction is our nature. Attraction is more than just a feeling; it’s the spark of a higher love. Attraction takes us outside of ourselves and draws us towards the other; it’s the beginning of a beautiful journey of self-giving and sacrifice. Some kids may call it…“the start of something new.” I’ll leave that up to them!
Think about a love story that captivates you. We all remember the end of those stories: the dramatic gestures, the weddings, and the happy endings. All of them usually end in a bold, dramatic act of selfless sacrifice. Can we not all agree that there is something moving about these themes? These endings are so enchanting because they speak to our hearts; they show us what real, true, and authentic love looks like in its full fruitfulness.
And you know what? ALL of that starts with attraction. All of it!
We can now see the dangers we face when we turn away from this. When we shun these pure and good desires because they might lead to hurt, we completely rule out the possibility of real love. We become lonely, closed-off, and disinterested in other people. In assuming the worst of our fellow man (and woman), we embrace bitterness and harden our hearts for the worse. We embrace cynicism and negativity for comfort, and realize that we’re left more isolated than before.
God did not create us to live on an island! If he did, He would have stopped at Adam and never bothered with Eve. God wants us to live in relationship with our fellow man and woman because these relationships draw us outside of ourselves and make us better, more selfless people. Even if we don’t end up pursuing anyone romantically and, for instance, enter religious life, we are still attracted to others in some shape or form; particularly in friendship. How can we know where God will guide our healthy attractions if we never follow them?
In order to become fully alive, we need to be ready for vulnerability and all that it might bring. We might be opening ourselves up for heartbreak, but that is the risk we must run to fight for true love! In opening ourselves up like this, we are putting our full trust in God to never let us fall. Do you really think that a break-up will remove you from the love of God? He will always have your back and pick you back up, no matter how hard you stumble.
It’s time to open our hearts and reject the lies that we’ve accepted from this negative dating culture. It’s time to strike down this false gospel of spite and turn to a higher calling: unconditional love. Knowing this, dating well cannot possibly be a waste of time!
Plus…if you never try, you never know!!!
Happy dating, good luck, and may God be with you!
