Should We Morph Ourselves Into Their “Dream Girl/Boy”?

Thinking back throughout the course of my life, I’m ashamed to admit how often I pretended to be interested in several things just to get a guy’s attention. In fact, my senior year of High School was the most eminent example of this: It was then that I joined my school’s business club, attended every single meeting in the midst of my busy year, even traveled all the way to Florida for Nationals – all of this to get close to the president of the club… whom I did indeed have a giant crush on. I know, shocking.

That’s just one example but the list goes on from pretending to be a baseball fan in order to be more desirable in the eyes of one of the players on the team, to going out and purchasing camo pants because I heard a boy mention that he likes girls who wear them. Eeeeek. 

All of this to say – I’ve had my fair share of moments when I fell victim to the lie that the only way a boy could ever like me was if I morphed myself into his “dream girl”.

If the above scenarios hit a little too close to home for you – I want you to have mercy on yourself because as humans, our greatest desire is to love and be loved. Although that’s the case, we sometimes have the unique tendency of allowing our ambition to get ahead of ourselves in this beautiful pursuit. 

But newsflash –  you are good. You are worthy of love without compromising a single part of your personality, your hobbies, or your appearance. With that being said, the temptation to do so can be intense so let’s break down those 3 common scenarios where we may feel most tempted to change ourselves for our partner.

#1 When it comes to hobbies

I recently met a man who shared with me the story of him and his wife’s first date. Let’s call them David and Rachel. Here’s a quick summary:

David was a big sports fan and had amazing rink-side tickets to a Hockey game.  He excitedly brought Rachel to the game but midway through, as he was having the time of his life, David turns to Rachel and sees her mumbling random words like “Geico”, “CarMax”, “Orange Theory” –  he then realized that in her extreme boredom, she resorted to reading every advertisement that surrounded the rink.

I thought it was a hysterical story but I was kind of hooked on the detail where David marries this woman, despite her disinterest in a huge aspect of his life.

He went on to share how even though Rachel doesn’t find sports to be entertaining, she now hosts super bowl parties like “it’s no one’s business” and she’s the one who drives their kids to hockey practices. She especially loves to share in the communal aspect of sports although she has no idea what’s actually happening in them. 

… See where I’m getting at with this?

This is what love is. Love calls us to do radical things, like partake in our beloved’s favorite activities when it doesn’t necessarily interest us but it never calls us to lie about what we enjoy. 

If it takes fibbing an entire resume of interests that the other person likes in order to be more desirable in their eyes, they don’t want to date you – they want to date themselves. A fruitful relationship calls both persons to enter into all of the things that each other enjoy, even if you don’t have overlapping hobbies.

#2 When it comes to our appearance

Let me take you along on a hypothetical scenario: You like a person, you’re on their Instagram profile, and have found yourself scrolling down to their past relationship posts. That’s when you see a photo of their ex…whom you may entirely look contrast to.

Your mind races to the “oh, they have a type” assumption, and unsolicited thoughts start rushing in – maybe I can bleach my hair or get a fake tan. Maybe I can start wearing less makeup and be more outdoorsy. Maybe I can start dressing more provocatively and work o— STOP. 

If our bodies make visible the invisible (the spiritual and divine) then it’s also true that it reveals the utter beauty of who we are. Our appearance – the way we portray ourselves – is a reflection of so much.

The next moment you feel tempted to change one of your features to emulate another’s be reminded of this: Throughout history, an “image bearer” was very common amongst empires to remind people of who they served. Typically these image-bearers were coins with the imprinting of the emperor’s face on them. But in God’s divine creativity, He created us as image-bearers. Each one of us – perfectly made in His image & likeness. So, yes, the way we dress can reveal our interests, our facial features reflect our ancestors and our scars tell a story but the most important aspect of who we are is how our very being – is a reflection of our creator. Since He is the epitome of worth then that means your very existence reflects how worthy you are of being seen as not just a person who may or may not be blonde but as the beloved son or daughter that you are.

#3 When it comes to our personality

The idea of changing our personality can be a confusing one since we’re literally called to imitate Jesus in our actions – to become more like Him. I want to make it abundantly clear that there’s a big difference between changing who we are vs. becoming who God created us to be. Too often we’re stuck on the “that’s just who I am” mentality as if God created us as intrinsically mean or intrinsically prideful people. Sure, it’s true that our past experiences deeply impact the way we react to the world around us and we do have specific inclinations to personality traits but this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t overcome them.

As tempting as it may be to see another person who inspires us and entirely morphe ourselves into who they are, there is only one person we are called to mirror, and as I said earlier, that’s Jesus. I know, I know. The idea of imitating God himself can be extremely intimidating but we do have an earthly example of someone who did this perfectly – Mary. 

The nearer we pull to her, the closer we get to Her son. So, how can we perfectly emulate Jesus in the ways that Mary did? St. Louis De Monfort breaks this down simply for us by listing “the 10 principle virtues of Mary”. They are as follows:

1. Profound humility
2. Lively faith
3. Blind obedience
4. Continual prayer
5. Universal mortification
6. Divine purity
7. Ardent charity
8. Heroic patience
9. Angelic sweetness
10. Divine wisdom 

Meditate upon these and ask our Lord to better help you resemble these. He’ll give you many opportunities to practice the profound humility or ardent charity that our beautiful Lady possessed. 

Ultimately, regardless of which vocation you’re called to – your future spouse, religious order, or even friends deserve to be in the presence of a person who is fully incorporated into the person God has created you to be – YOURSELF.