Where Do You Draw The Line?: Boundaries for Technology In Relationships

It’s 1:34am. As another text rolls in from your significant other, you quickly reply to keep the conversation going. You should have been asleep hours ago, but you are thriving off of having this person’s undivided attention after a long day. This seems to happen each night. Part of you loves the moment of connection; the other part of you just wants to sleep. 

This is one example of how technology impacts our relationships. Whether it’s a text, FaceTime, phone call, Snapchat, or DM, we have more opportunities than ever before to stay in touch. These opportunities can either enhance or inhibit our relationships, and it’s up to us to determine what’s healthy and what’s not. That can be a hefty, daunting task, but it’s definitely worth doing!

If you are in a relationship or about to enter into one, there should be an honest conversation about boundaries when it comes to technology. It plays a big role in keeping a couple connected, so let’s make sure it’s not getting in the way of that connection. How do you do that? Well, consider how you want technology to be incorporated in your relationship (1) when you are apart and (2) when you are together. Don’t worry, you don’t have to figure it out on your own! I’ve pondered these points myself and wrote up a guide on how to create boundaries in each of these areas.

Technology Use When Apart

Step 1: Compare your habits and schedules.

• Habits: Are you always by your phone and respond in .3 seconds? Or are you more detached and check it every few hours? Reflect on your usage and ask your partner to do the same. Understanding each other’s habits can shed light on how communication through technology will look in your relationship.
• Schedule: Whether it’s work, school, time with family and friends, extracurriculars, or hobbies, there are several things that demand your attention throughout the day. Give the person you are dating a clear picture of your daily routine so they know when you are available to connect. 

Step 2: Establish when you will be in contact and how you will communicate throughout the day.

• Times for contact: Be clear about when you will connect so you aren’t waiting around for one another. If something changes in either of your schedules, let the other person know. Setting this expectation will save both parties from wondering, “Why aren’t they responding?”. Also, agree on a cut off time. For example, a boundary could be limiting contact after 10pm. Having this understanding stops the 1am texts and reins in the intimate late night sharing sessions.
• Method of communication: What is your preferred way to communicate? Is it Snapchat, FaceTime, texting, calling, etc.? Is your preference the same as your significant other? Talk about it, and select the best way(s) to stay in touch throughout the day.

Step 3: Create a plan and stick to it.

• After reviewing these points, create a plan for communication. Will you send texts throughout the day to keep each other updated? Will you call each other on the way home from work? Will you FaceTime every night at 8pm? Have a routine so you know what kind of communication to expect.

Technology Use When Together

Step 1: Put limits on screen time.

• A concrete boundary you can set is putting phones away when you with each other. This may sound difficult, but it’s worth it! Think about it: How often do we desire to connect in person, but when we are actually face-to-face, we end up staring at a screen… It doesn’t make sense! If the no phone policy seems too challenging, start small. Designate certain times to check phones during your time together. Make sure you establish a cut off point so no one gets sucked into their notifications! Also, think about other screen time (Netflix, video games, laptops, etc.) and create guidelines from them as well; this isn’t just for phones!
• As you set these boundaries, you might have to share them with people you frequently communicate with. Let them know you won’t get back to them right away because you are being present to your bae.

Step 2: Determine what you share.

• Are you constantly photographing and recording the things you do as a couple? Sure, documenting your time together is great, but how much of that are you sharing? Be clear on what can be posted and what stays between you two. Sticking to the limited phone policy helps enforce this boundary because it removes the temptation to capture every moment together!

Step 3: Hold each other accountable.

• This is where you both need to be real with one another. If your partner’s use of technology is bothering you, say something! They won’t know how it’s impacting you if you don’t communicate. Sharing how you feel can open up a dialogue about what you both need and expect for your time together.

Remember that technology shouldn’t be the primary way we interact with the individual we are dating. Instead, it should be a bridge that leads to fruitful in person encounters. Hopefully this guide helps you do that! As technology changes and your relationship develops, continue to evaluate the boundaries you have in place. In doing so, you will be able to determine the technology boundaries you need to foster a healthy relationship!