Thank You, Next… But How?

The moment has arrived; it’s time to break up. Regardless of how long you’ve been dating someone, ending a relationship can be difficult. Saying, “Adios!” to your current boo can be a source of distress and cause a variety of escape options to develop. 

Maybe you’re planning to break up over text to avoid the awkwardness. Maybe you have a three minute window between classes and decide that’s the easiest time. Or maybe you love drama and have an extravagant crying in the rain scene planned. 

Look, whatever method you currently have in mind, let’s put it aside for a moment and consider a few things. When you enter into a relationship with someone, there is an investment and level of intimacy that unites both people. Over time, the relationship deepens and can be a profound encounter with another. This is what makes breaking up hard. You get to know someone so well, and it can be difficult to end things when you sense the relationship isn’t meant to be. 

So where do you go from here? How do you navigate breaking up? Well, for starters, it’s important to remember your significant other is a human being with emotions, desires, wounds, and struggles. Keeping their humanity in mind is essential for respecting them throughout the process of breaking up. 

And let’s be honest: There is no perfect way to break up. It’s going to be difficult because we are not made for broken relationships. That being said, there are ways to make this conversation easier so each person is honored throughout the process. The method I present below is not foolproof, but it does have the best intentions for each person involved. All I ask is that you reflect on the following points before you decide on your break up plan:

1. Break up in person: When we use technology (Texting, FaceTime, Snapchat, etc.) to break up, we are putting a wall between us and the other person. And sometimes, what unfolds can be rather dicey. Things can be misunderstood, words could be taken out of context, and emotionally charged reactions can spark. Basically, when we break up using technology, it communicates is that we are not mature enough to handle this face-to-face. It also implies that we don’t care enough about the other individual to share this in person. So do yourself and the other person a favor, and sit down for a face-to-face conversation. You’ll thank me later!
2. Share your side: Before heading into this conversation, you should have an idea of what you want to share. Take some time to reflect on the relationship and why you are breaking up with this person. Gathering your thoughts ahead of time will give you confidence to clearly communicate your points and make the break. Also, it’s important to be honest and straightforward. There is no need to be rude or harsh, but give the reasoning behind this decision. Do this so the other person is not left confused or holding on to hope that the relationship can start up again in the future.
3. Listen: This is the time when we stop talking and start hearing out the other person. Depending on the state of the relationship, the other person may have seen this coming or maybe they’re in shock. Give them a moment to process what you’ve shared and allow for them to express their thoughts. *IMPORTANT: This is not a time to negate how the other person is feeling. If they are upset, receive and affirm those emotions.* 
4. Be firm in your decision: Maybe after listening to their side, you are a little flustered. You might be caught up in the feels and questioning why you wanted to break up at all. This is normal, but remember the reasons why you decided to end the relationship. They will ground you when the emotions want to take over! 
5. Set boundaries: Moving forward, your relationship with this person will look different. It’s going to be difficult to move on if you are both regularly talking and hanging out. Setting clear boundaries for communication and interactions will benefit you both as you heal from the break up. Have a close friend hold you accountable when you are tempted to reach out. They will keep you grounded and remind you why the break up was necessary! 

Maybe after reading these practicals you still want to have your moment out in the street, hashing out the breakup while rain pours from the heavens. But before you do, I ask you to consider if you were on the flip side. How would you like the other person to approach you if they were the one breaking things off? Would you prefer the dramatic scene or would you appreciate an honest conversation with closure? When we put ourselves in the other person’s place, the appropriate response usually becomes more clear.