I know those wounds sting, maybe a little deeper as the years pass. As you grow in knowledge of what love is, how it saves, how it sacrifices; you may be hurting from the loss of it. Here are some obstacles I faced and the steps I took to overcome:
1. The pain can be isolating, don’t let it be.
Here’s the truth; none of us are strangers to brokenness, no matter what our story is.
My parents aren’t together anymore and I had a front row seat to the falling apart. I’m not here to point fingers or put the blame on anyone. I’m writing this because that pain is real, should be acknowledged, and should be healed. For too long I carried the wound but I hid it from everyone. This hiding didn’t help me heal but perpetuated the loneliness.
How do we fully heal from something so complex? Well, I’m still figuring that out. But there’s one thing I know, I do not want to stay in the place of feeling like I’m too broken or my story is so broken that I can’t find, give, or receive love.
I used to hold all of that pain deep within the recesses of my heart and it began to slowly tear me apart. Finally, I had the confidence and courage to share the pain with trusted friends, and that’s when the healing began.
2. Break the cycle
It’s easy to think that the patterns of our past will just perpetuate and continue.
But, with the help of Christ; we can break the cycle.
Too often I would find myself thinking negatively about the things of my past or even about myself. I believed so many lies, especially the one that said my future marriage was doomed to the same fate. The pain felt paralyzing, I was constantly searching for something to ease my aching heart. The searching was endless and my blueprint of love felt like it had been shattered. As a result, I was running towards all the wrong things for love. I put my identity in all of my achievements, my shortcomings, in the boys I had loved. I found myself in relationship after relationship with a boy that treated me with disrespect and I foolishly thought it was okay. And you know why? Well, it’s because I didn’t know any other way. I saw the divorce of my parents and the toxic relationships displayed in (some not all) movies. I was losing myself in an endless sea of brokenness. Yet all the while the Lord was reaching out for my hand. Funnily enough, the song “Treat You Better” by Shawn Mendes snapped me back to reality. I felt like the Lord was speaking to me through the words sung in this song and I finally had the courage to reach out and grab Jesus’ hand. He pulled me out of the treacherous waters and I laid my pain at His feet. I asked for His help to carry it all and to heal my wounds. That’s when I knew that with Him all things could be made new.
3. Set boundaries and forgive your parents.
I let my parents’ broken relationship affect the way I saw each of them.
Forgiveness was the answer.
When someone close to you hurts someone you love, it usually affects you. So just magnify that pain by 1000 if you’re a child from a broken home. If your own parents have caused each other distress, it doesn’t really matter what age you are, it’s probably going to end up affecting and hurting you. I know it affected me and thusly affected my relationship with each of them individually. If one or each of your parents are talking poorly about the other to you, I want you to know that you have the freedom to charitably ask them to stop. You don’t deserve to hear those things and if your parents need to be reminded of that it’s okay. Your parents are human and will make mistakes. It’s important to have good boundaries in every situation including this one. I know that once I reminded each of my parents of this, things got a whole lot better and I felt more free. I also had to intentionally forgive them for hurting each other and for allowing that to hurt both my brother and me.
If your story is similar to mine, I first just want to say how sorry I am. It’s not an easy feat to climb. It’s good to know that you and I are not alone in this, even though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I pray that through the Lord’s grace you are able to hear the Lord speak through some of these words. I do know that He loves you, no matter what your story or family life is like. I pray that wherever this blog finds you, you know just how deeply loved and cared for you are by Your Heavenly Father. Please know that I love you and I am praying for you.
Your sister in Christ,