You don’t have to white knuckle it!
First off, let me begin by saying, you are loved! Amidst your struggles or if you read this with the intention of speaking with a friend who struggles with an addiction to pornography, remember that fact. Secondly, let me debunk the idea of “white knuckling.” We tend to believe that the only thing we have to do is stop thinking of pornography and then we will be okay. Just push it away, Shove it under the rug. All we have to do is make sure we are never tempted or exposed to an environment that will allow us to give into the addiction again. Well, that’s not the whole story. White knuckling the addiction of pornography doesn’t bring about the desired change that we so deeply desire and deserve; it actually becomes a form of avoidance and coping instead of growth and healing.
Our brains are a powerful and beautiful organ (weird thought I know); they are more complex and intricate than any other man created processor. One concept that is crucial in the fight against pornography is our brain’s neuroplasticity. As Sam Black, safety consultant with Covenant Eyes, puts it, “through experiences in youth, adolescence, and adulthood, we consciously or unconsciously map routes in our brains that allow for arousal and pursuit of a reward, even if that reward becomes less and less fulfilling.” In short, because of the neuroplasticity of our brains, an addiction to pornography and the attraction/arousal we feel at the thought of it is a learned behaviour.
The fact that we become enslaved through our own will is one of the most difficult acceptances we have to make when it comes to a pornography addiction, but it is also an acceptance that comes with great hope. I want to pause here for a moment. More often than not, the discovery of porn is not done with the volition of becoming addicted or even a casual peruser of porn. Stumbling across pornogrphy often occurs via the influence of someone else, our curiosity, or simply by accident. Because of these factors, taking ownership can be difficult or even seem wrong. We might ask ourselves, “Why must I suffer the consequences of something I never intended?” I am right there with you. You deserved better than to grow up in an oversexualized porn filled world. However, now it is up to you to break the chains and find the freedom you deserve!
What role does chasity play in all of this?
The same way that our brains can be trained to fall into an addiction, they can also be trained in healing. That same neuroplasticity that made the addiction possible makes our healing possible. When we fight to see the dignity that we have and the worth of every single person we ever see, chastity becomes the stamp on our hearts and the healing that our brains neuropathways need in order to rewire themselves. When we begin to see ourselves as worthy of a beautiful adventurous love life (beyond that of only romantic or eoritc love) then we see the true potential of what our hearts have been made for.
How do we do it? Here are four short practicals for you my lovely friend:
- You are not your addiction! Shame is so real and it can be easy to believe that because of our habits we are way too broken to love or to be loved. Shame can make us believe that there is something inherently wrong with us, but there isn’t! As we read, it’s learned. So you my friend can love and love well! And you shall.
- We gotta be more vulnerable. The only way to fight our shame is to be vulnerabile about it. Run to a friend in times of crisis and when you feel your “no” begin to wither. At the first instance of temptation, find that friend or mentor whom you trust and be open and honest with them; your future self will thank you.
- Find the things that bring you joy! In those moments of weakness and when falling seems eminent, turn to the things that bring you life! Do the things that you know will make you truly joyful. Draw, paint, sing, write, run, read a book, start a conversation, ask someone how they are doing, invest in creating something beautiful; ultimately, that’s what we deeply desire when we turn to pornography.
- Keep fighting! Healing takes time but it is possible! Every time you get back up, you are one step closer to freedom, real intimacy, and authentic love!
