Let’s Be Honest About Chastity

I think it is time we were honest with ourselves: Do you want to be chaste?

Chastity. The virtue of relationships. It allows us to see the human person first and foremost in any relationship. It allows the beauty of each person to be respected and seen. Chastity creates the necessary freedom for a person to be known and loved, where his or her value is not determined by convenience or what he or she can offer.

Hopefully resources such as Culture Project have gotten you excited about the idea of chastity. However, if you desire to live out a life of chastity, you need to know that you are going to have to work for it. Chastity is freeing and beautiful, but it is difficult. Much like anything worthwhile in this life, we have to work for it. This is why we need to start being honest with ourselves: Are we willing to work for it? 

There is a reason our culture is broken in the way that it is: Sex sells. Lust is fun, and it is very popular. Lust is easy and has been made infinitely easier in today’s isolated and technology filled world. For years, you very well may have been living a lifestyle contrary to chastity before you ever heard of anything different.

I do not say this to judge or condemn, but to be realistic with you. I was right there with you. Years of habits built up before I heard the truth of a healthy and flourishing life. Today, I am still struggling alongside you. Please do not take this as discouragement, but rather as an invitation to keep on fighting.

You do not have to be perfect in order to love. We can love in the midst of our imperfections, but we need to be realistic about what we need to succeed. 

You are going to need help in growing in chastity. You need to be having conversations with people you trust about past struggles and current pitfalls you face. If you are in a relationship, you need your significant other to be on the same page. You need to have that conversation. We need to be open about our desire for chastity. 

1. Ask yourself: “Do I want to be chaste?”

As previously discussed, you need to know what you are signing up for. Do you have a proper understanding of chastity? This is the stage to be looking into resources, such as the Culture Project’s youtube channel or material by Matt Fradd, Christopher West, and Jason Evert. We often carry in a lot of baggage and misconceptions into the life of chastity, I know I did. Once you have a more holistic understanding of chastity as a virtue of relationship, you can more fully commit ourselves to this journey.

2. Reflect on your past.

We all start our journeys of chastity at different places. We need to recognize the aspects of our life that need to be addressed. In order to invite chastity’s freedom in, we need to recognize where it is needed within our own lives. Speaking for myself, I had roughly 10 years of a pornography habit before I encountered a more proper understanding of chastity. Wounds from that habit need to be regularly acknowledged so that I may continue to strive for chastity. The first step to any solution is recognizing the problem.

3. Process and forgive yourself.

Now that we have taken a trip down memory lane and have had an honest review of ourselves, we need to have mercy on ourselves. Chastity relies on mercy. No one is perfect and we need to come to terms with the gravity of our shortcomings, while leaning into forgiveness. This step might take a long time, and need to be revisited throughout your journey. Allow yourself to process the pain. Allow yourself to be angry at yourself or another, allow yourself to mourn yourself or another. Chastity is not about forgetting, but rather reconciling.

4. Find support systems.

You need to have people around you, and systems in place to help you along this journey. Start conversations with your friends and family. Are the people you surround yourself with going to help you in your journey? If the answer is no, you do not need to necessarily cut off relationships with them, but you will need to find people that can support you in choosing chastity. Maybe that is a young adult group at your local church, an online community, or a spiritual director. If chastity is the virtue of relationship, we cannot do it alone.

5. Start the conversation with your significant other.

Now that you have been honest about chastity, you need to be on the same page as your significant other. No need to worry, this conversation does not need to be weird or forced. When I started dating a young woman last year, we were watching a TV show neither of us had seen before. It was still the beginning of our relationship and I did not know her very well, so I simply stated: “Hey, if this show gets raunchy, I am not comfortable watching it.” That simple statement opened the door for gradual conversation allowing us to figure out what chastity needed to look like in our relationship.

Conclusion: This honesty is essential and needs to be present to ourselves and to others if we do really want to grow in chastity. Communicate your needs, and at times, get radical. Maybe you and your significant other need to take a break from physical affection for a bit. Maybe stop kissing for a week or two in order to recalibrate your attention back to the person in front of you. Maybe having a friend remove the internet from your phone and locking the app store is necessary for you to begin addressing a pornography addiction. Maybe make a deal with a couple buddies that if anyone in the group watches porn, you all fast for 24 hours. Get radical when necessary.

You do not need to be radical all the time. But you do need to be honest all the time. Bring any lingering shame of past mistakes to the Lord, because chastity should be freeing and joyful. Relationships should be fun and beautiful. And chastity makes that possible. I hope you choose that freedom.