How to: A Guide to (finally) Asking That Girl Out
A few days ago, some of my girlfriends and I were lamenting over how few guys ask girls out on dates. While COVID has certainly impacted the dating scene, this issue goes way beyond the pandemic. For years, I’ve found myself and many of my amazing girl friends sitting around asking the same old questions, “Why aren’t these men asking us out?” and “What’s wrong with me?” While it’s so frustrating, this experience is not exclusive to my friend group. Today more than half of young people do not have a significant other1. So what’s going on? Does no one in our culture desire love and connection? One glance at our hypersexualized culture reveals this isn’t the case. We’re obsessed with love and romance. Yet no one knows how to get it.
Let’s get started! Be Not Afraid!
Gentlemen, I get it…there can be so many uncertainties. What if she says no? How will this impact your friendship? While these are all valid concerns, the fear that you experience impacts women. When you choose to be brave and ask a woman out, you choose to bear the potential risk of rejection rather than placing it on her. In addition to being chivalrous, asking a woman out honors her dignity. I’ve had so many women confide in me that a man has never asked them on a date. In fact, it wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that a guy looked me in the eyes and said, “Would you like to go on a date with me?”Up until that point, I had been met with text messages and DM’s from guys who used vague language like “chill” or “hang out”. This led me back to the nagging question:“What’s wrong with me??” It is honoring to know that a man is willing to face rejection in order to ask you out. Even if a woman doesn’t want to go on a date with you, she will likely have a great deal of respect for you being willing to ask her out in person.
Hopefully now you feel ready to ask that woman out! So let’s dive into some practicals.
- Actions speak louder than words. If you text a girl asking her out what you’ve just communicated to her is that she is not worth the risk. The easier it is to ask a girl out, the easier it is going to be for her to say no to you. Be courageous. Asking a girl out should be done in person not over a text.
- Clarity is Charity. Men, if you are looking to be chivalrous, providing clarity is perhaps one of the best things you can do for a woman. By using the word “date” you are making your intentions perfectly clear to her. If you and a woman are talking on a regular basis and you want to take things to the next level, it is charitable for you to initiate and clarify the relationship. Sadly, I’ve seen men treat women like emotional girlfriends because they enjoy the attention of a woman. This can come in forms of over sharing, emotional vomiting and “hanging out” without the commitment of calling it a date. While it’s underable to enjoy the attention of the opposite sex, intentionally not clarifying the relationship is a form of use and it is extremely unchilvarous. While you may be comfortable living in the gray area, the woman will be going through the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out the status of your relationship. Clarity is Charity also applies when it’s time for the date to end. If you had a good time and want to take her on another date, tell her! If you would prefer to stay friends rather than pursue a romantic relationship with her, tell her!
- Live in Reality. Going on a date isn’t asking a girl to be your girlfriend. It’s not asking her to be your wife. It is asking her on one date. While it’s true that the purpose of dating is to discern marriage, focusing on this fact early on can lead to placing too much pressure on the relationship. The early stages of going on dates are meant to be lighthearted, fun, and low pressure.
- Boundaries. One of the easiest ways to maintain a spirit of lightheartedness and fun is by placing appropriate boundaries leading up to and on the date. Leading up to the date you should not be texting this girl all day every day. It’s important that your relationship develops in person, not over texting. Step away from your phone so that you can save some of the mystery for the actual date! Once on the date, physical boundaries are just as important. While physical forms of affection can be sweet, they generally add an unnecessary amount of pressure to a first date. Focus on the person in front of you rather than what you can get from her later on. By not trying to be physically intimate with her you can put her mind at ease and minimize some of the awkwardness.
- Girls just wanna have fun. The two classic date ideas are going to the movies or grabbing coffee. While these are not bad date ideas, they are not great ideas for a first date. The purpose of a first date is to get to know the other person better. While staring at a movie screen may help you feel less nervous it does little to help you learn about your date. On the opposite extreme, getting coffee can put a little too much pressure on the conversation.Why not do an activity together?
Is she worth the risk? If so… go ask her out!
