Moving In: Should We Live Together Before Getting Married?
It seems like a normal idea today. You’ve been dating for a while, things are getting serious, and finances are getting tight. You’re looking for a roommate so why not move in with the person you love?
Moving in with the person you’re dating seems to be a common thing that few object to today. To be honest, at face value it seems to make a lot of sense. You can save money, live with someone you get along with, and get a feel of what married life could be like before actually getting married.
Some people even compare it to buying a new Ferrari. The idea goes that you’d want to test drive a Ferrari before putting down a payment, so why not “test drive” living together before committing to marriage? On its face, it sounds like a pretty fair argument.
Living together can seem like a foregone conclusion, but what if it’s not?
Now, before you roll your eyes, this isn’t an argument that “it’s the way we’ve always done things” nor a “puritan, fear of impurity, and won’t get with the times” type of discussion. The reason living together before marriage can be detrimental to our relationships is not because of some abstract rule, but is actually rooted in science and the authentic desires of the human heart.
We all desire a love that is real and is going to last. If we’re in a relationship, we want to do all we can to make sure it succeeds. If we really love this person, we wouldn’t want to do anything that could potentially harm them or our relationship with them.
With that in mind, let’s look at the facts.
Despite a common narrative that says otherwise, there is actually very little evidence that shows living together has a positive effect on a relationship. In fact, most surveys show that cohabitation is a sure sign that the relationship will start to take a deep decline. Again, if we want our relationships to succeed, we should be informed on all the information.
According to one study, people who had 2-3 sexual partners before getting married had a higher chance of getting divorced once they were married. Unsurprisingly, people who had 10+ sexual partners had the highest chance of divorce of all. Meanwhile, people who had only 1 sexual partner in their lifetime had by far the lowest rates of divorce in the study. Chances are if we’re moving in with someone, there’s an equal chance that things don’t work out and you don’t get married. This study isn’t saying that having multiple sexual partners in your lifetime will lead to divorce, but it does mean that those who do cohabit before getting married have a much higher chance of doing so.
Another study by Pew Research found that people living with an unmarried partner had lower relationship satisfaction and lower trust with their partner than married couples did. Married couples were shown to have a much stronger feeling that their spouse had their best interest in mind, always told them the truth, and were faithful to them.
On the flipside, there are actually no conclusive studies that find living together before marriage greatly improves the results of a relationship. In fact, the most concise studies tend to show a trend in the opposite direction. More distrust, more dissatisfaction, and greater lack of fidelity.
Let’s go back to the analogy of testing driving a Ferrari. It sounds like a great idea because you wouldn’t want to make a big life decision before knowing what you’re doing. The fact is, however, that’s a great idea for a car – but a person isn’t a car. A person is far more valuable and far more uniquely, one-of-a-kind. A person’s rightful due is to be treated with love and respect – not “test driven” like something that can be used and discarded. There’s millions of cars in the world, but only one you.
True love requires sacrifice and a risk. Committing to each other in a lifelong marriage is a scary thing and it makes sense to feel like you want to make sure you’re making the right decision. But the mentality of “trying out” a relationship is really using that person instead of loving them. To live as if you’re married when you aren’t is like living a lie – and true love doesn’t lie.
Further into the same Pew Research study, surveyors asked both married and unmarried couples what their reasons were for getting married/moving in together.
It was found that married couples said they tied the knot because of love, companionship, wanting to make a formal commitment, and the hope of someday having children with their spouse. The reasons unmarried couples moved in together were that it helped out financially, was convenient, or they wanted to test out the relationship.
While we might think the reason we want to move in with someone is because we love them and want to spend all our time with them, oftentimes it’s motivated by more selfish factors. In the survey above, the couples moving in together were motivated by ease, convenience, and a fear that the relationship might not work out. Not to say these couples didn’t love each other, but the reasons for moving in were much more motivated by convenience than by love. The truth is, though, that love isn’t convenient.
Not only does cohabitation lead to lower success in relationships, it also says to your partner “I don’t love you enough to give myself totally to you. I’m suspicious and need to see if you’re perfect first.”
But newsflash! No one’s perfect. We all have flaws and people will always have qualities that annoy us. True love isn’t an absence of annoyances. It’s loving a person despite their annoyances. It’s choosing that person even when you don’t feel like it. It’s getting up every day to put them before yourself even when they do things that upset you. It’s a mutual giving, a mutual journey of crawling out of the dark hole of our egos and reaching another person outside of ourselves.
True love loves flawed people.
If we move in with a partner to “test out” if we’re compatible, we’re going to find that there’s a lot of things that get on our nerves. Just the same, if we don’t move in with someone until we get married, we’re going to find out a lot of things that get on our nerves. So if there’s going to be difficulties either way, why not choose the option that proven it’ll improve your relationship?
It makes sense that we may feel uneasy and suspicious of the opposite sex and we’re afraid a relationship might not work. We live in a wounded world and we’ve been hurt before. We can be so afraid of being hurt again that we try to place as many safeguards ahead of us as possible. We try to make a wall that will protect our hearts, but we end up crafting a prison. One that’s isolated, cold, and not able to receive true love. So I understand where you’re coming from if you really want this to work and you feel moving in is your only option.
The good news, though, is that true love does exist. Maybe we don’t believe that, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. True love exists and it doesn’t need to be “tested out” before it can be found. It can be found right here, right now. Waiting until you’re married to move in can be a beautiful way to safeguard your marriage before it even begins.
Here’s some other tips to help you out as well:
- Know Your Worth
Remember the Ferrari we keep bringing up? You are far more valuable than a Ferrari. You are more valuable than a thousand Ferraris! If we don’t recognize our own dignity and worth, it’ll be easy to fall for anything. Don’t fall into the trap of believing your love is something that can be used or tried out.
Remind yourself each day that you are good, you are worthy, and you are enough. You deserve so much more than moving in with someone. You deserve someone committing themselves to you for life and who has promised themselves to you forever. You deserve someone who can wait for love’s perfect time. You deserve true love.
- Don’t Dwell on Negatives
Have you ever learned a new word and then suddenly you start hearing it everywhere? Or seen a nice car you like and suddenly you start seeing that car everywhere? That’s called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. Also known as frequency bias, it’s the concept that when we’re keenly aware of something we begin to notice it more frequently. It’s not that these things are actually popping up more, it’s just that we’re focusing on them more.
In the same way, if we’re constantly focusing on the negative, annoying aspects of the people we date then we’ll never truly see the amazing good qualities they have. The truth is that everyone you meet will have some qualities you don’t completely enjoy. That doesn’t mean you have to dwell on them though! Instead of focusing on all the things this person does wrong, focus on all the things you love about this person. You’ll notice that it becomes easier to love the actual person and not just the qualities they do or don’t have.
- You’re Not Married Until You’re Married
It’s super important for us to live according to the present moment. We might think that this person is “The One” and we’re destined to spend the rest of our lives with them. But you never really know until it happens. I’ve seen many couples everyone thought would last forever suddenly break up after years of dating. You just never know until you’re actually there.
So a good thing to do is set boundaries. Be aware of where you actually are in your relationship and act accordingly. Set boundaries on how late you stay out together, not being alone in tempting situations, and what you share with each other. Basically if you’re dating, act like you’re dating. If you’re not married, don’t act like you’re married. There is something beautiful about waiting for love’s perfect time.
You deserve true, authentic love. You deserve to be happy. If you’re considering moving in with your significant other, I hope you realize your incredible worth and take everything into consideration.
You were made for greatness and greatness doesn’t come without a sacrifice.
