How Women of Virtue Can Form Men of Virtue
In the 2015 movie Cinderella, the titular character lives by the motto that her mother taught her at a young age: “Have courage and be kind”. This saying is a good reminder that courageousness can be done in a spirit of kindness and that kindness does not mean remaining silent in the face of wrongdoing. I love that.
As women, one of the most frequent wrongdoings that we experience is the sexualization and objectification of our bodies. Often it happens at the hands of men. Our culture gives us two options for responding to this lust: either we berate men for their bad behavior or we pretend that we enjoy it. If we’re being honest, I think we can all admit that both of these options are terrible. I believe that as women, we have the ability to do more than buy into this false dilemma.I believe as women we can choose a radically counter-cultural third option: Courage & Kindness.
Our culture so often pits men and women against each other but I believe that if we choose courage and kindness we can uplift and inspire others to do the same. Venerable Fulton Sheen once said, “To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her.” In other words, women of virtue form men of virtue; and men of virtue form women of virtue. Choosing courage and kindness means that we don’t allow objectification, but we also recognize the dignity of the individual who is objectifying us.
This is so much easier said than done. In college, a guy that I had a crush on invited me over to hang out (we’ll call him Bill). I remember feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness walking over to Bill’s place. As he showed me around, the excitement I felt immediately vanished when I saw what was hanging on the wall of his room: a poster of a mostly naked woman. I’ll never forget staring stunned at the poster and looking back and forth between this man that I liked and a degrading image of a stranger on his wall. Shame washed over me as I thought, “Is this the lens he views all women in? Is this how he’s looking at me?” The idea of being compared to this random photoshopped woman made me feel sick. I didn’t know what to do. I did not want Bill to think that I was a prude or uptight, but at the same time, there was no way I could remain silent. I knew he was a good man and I knew he was better than this. I took a deep breath and thought to myself, “have courage and be kind”.
I asked him a simple question: “Do you think that’s okay?”
He actually ended up taking the poster off his wall and throwing it out. I was incredibly proud of him and shocked how my one comment impacted the situation so radically. It was nice to know that he valued my opinion and that with encouragement he made that decision. Courage and kindness won.
When I think back on that night, the feelings I remember most vividly are of shock, insecurity, and hurt. I wish I had never been put in that situation. I wish I had never had to call a man on to uphold my dignity and the dignity of other women. I wish that instead of trying to convince him of the importance of upholding the dignity of women, he was living that out without being prompted.
I’ve shared this story a few times with women over the years and I almost always hear the same two things. First, women are shocked (and sometimes impressed) that I actually said anything to him. More often than not, women are unsure of what to say when we feel like a boundary has been crossed. We don’t want to come off as aggressive or we’re too embarrassed to say anything so we remain silent. Secondly, many women have experienced something similar in their own lives. Different women have shared with me the heartbreaking experience of finding out their boyfriend looks at pornography regularly. their crush asking her to send a sext, or hearing guy friends talk about women in a degrading way. Unfortunately too many women are familiar with the shockwaves of a man’s lustful heart.
It can feel like experiences with lust like these overshadow the heart of who we really are: our personality, our talents, our intellect. It’s degrading for someone to reduce our bodies to an object to be used, and we all react differently to this experience. Some women become calloused towards men, believing the lie that all men are lustful animals. Others believe that no man will ever see their dignity and willingly objectify themselves. Others intentionally downplay their appearance in hopes of avoiding the attention of lustful eyes. Wherever you may find yourself on the spectrum of reactions, I see you, and I am sorry that this is where we’re at.
At the end of the day, the only person we can control is ourselves. But based on what the Venerable Fulton Sheen said, that actually impacts quite a bit. I’d like to share some practical things that I’ve found helpful in fighting for a culture of love.
- Ask questions. When I believe an injustice has been committed I can turn into a little bit of a rage ball. Asking clarifying questions when you feel like something is wrong alleviates the pressure from you to say the perfect thing and puts the responsibility back on the person who said or did something that made you uncomfortable. These questions can be as simple as asking someone to repeat themselves to asking someone, “What do you mean?”
- Use “I feel” statements. A few days after the poster incident, I called Bill. I was nervous but I knew we needed to talk. I was able to share how the situation made me feel and it actually opened up a larger conversation about the harmful effects of pornography. People cannot negate how you feel about a situation. Sharing your feelings with someone can be vulnerable. It is so much easier to say things like “you do this” and place the blame on them, but it is not nearly as effective. If someone really cares about you, they will receive your emotions with reverence.
- Affirm. When you see the men in your life doing it right, tell them! Not only is it good to recognize those who are doing it right but it also helps us to be more consciously aware of those who are choosing virtue.
- Seek healing. The culture has wounded each of us in different ways. If you are struggling to heal or forgive the men in your life, share your struggle with a friend. If it persists do not be afraid to seek additional support from a mentor or counselor to help you find peace and healing. Be gentle with yourself as you learn to heal and trust.
- Pray. Ask God to help you be docile to the Holy Spirit and to form you into a holy woman of God. Saint Pope John Paul the Great once said, “Courageously follow the path of personal holiness and diligently nourish yourselves with the word of God and the Eucharist. The holier you are, the more you can contribute to building up the Church and society.” Fighting the culture of use and lust starts first with our own hearts and deep dependence on God.
Pursuing a life of courage and kindness is challenging. I’m still learning how to navigate it myself, but I truly believe that if we can lead with courage and kindness, we can transform the culture.
