Unpacking Emotional Baggage

New relationship, new you… right? Things seem to be going well, and *shockingly* no disaster looms on the horizon. In this day and age, this can seem like a dream come true!

In the midst of all the good, the following question might come up: “Do I actually deserve this relationship?” This question is problematic at its core. When we don’t believe we are worthy of being treated well, respected, and loved, we are bound to settle for less. Sometimes we may even sabotage a relationship because we are convinced it won’t end well. 

It’s possible we doubt what we deserve because of our previous experiences. If past relationships haven’t been so smooth, a sense of panic may arise along with thoughts like “This is too good to be true!”. 

As this wariness seeps in, we wait. We wait to find out that this person isn’t who they say they are. We wait for them to treat us poorly. We wait for them to become the people who have let us down before. Obviously, this isn’t the best mentality to have! In fact, hanging onto the way we’ve experienced unhealthy relationships in the past is a recipe for disaster. 

Look, I get it, we’ve all got baggage. Whether it’s pretty light or stuffed to capacity, the things we carry with us have an impact not just on ourselves but also others. Holding onto baggage and not dealing with trauma can also hinder us from beginning and maintaining relationships. No one wants that, but the reality is that these problems won’t go away unless we deal with them. Healing, letting go, and moving forward can be a painful process, but it’s a worthy endeavor.

How can you do that? Here are some ways you can start to unpack your baggage:

• Reflect and Journal: Look back at your life, and journal about your previous experiences. Often, we can gain greater clarity when it’s on paper. See what can be learned from those difficult situations and relationships. Know you are not defined by them but pull lessons from the past! Acknowledge how you’ve been hurt and the hurt you may have caused others. This helps us learn what we need in relationships moving forward and how we can improve the way we approach others.
• Share with A Trusted Individual: Talk with a counselor, close friend, family member, or spiritual director. Having an outside perspective or someone who knows us well can bring clarity to this process. These individuals can help us sort through our ways of thinking and highlight stumbling blocks we’ve been blind to. For example, are your thoughts about yourself and your past valid or are they toxic and unhealthy views you’ve latched on to? Getting outside guidance can help us accept what is true and dump the lies.
• Purge and Set Boundaries: Get rid of reminders from previous relationships, especially after we’ve taken the time to reflect and process. This may require blocking or removing exs from social media and tossing old photos and gifts. If you are still in contact with an ex, set boundaries for communication and contact. 
• Apologize to Ourselves: This tip might be the most important! Many times we stay in a place of heartbreak because we expect the person who hurt us to make things right. Jay Shetty, the creator of the On Purpose podcast, sheds light on this:

 “A lot of the time, the reason why we’re expecting an apology from someone else is because we haven’t forgiven ourselves. We haven’t actually apologized to ourselves for connecting with that person, for interacting with that person, for building a relationship with that person…” 

Here’s the lesson from this quote – don’t sit around waiting for an apology! Forgive yourself, and if necessary, seek out the sacrament of confession to experience the forgiveness of our loving creator.
As I close out this blog, I want to emphasize that there is no shame in reaching out and getting the help you need to process your baggage. There might be a temptation to push away loved ones, repress memories, and stuff down emotions. Sure these moments can happen, but don’t stay there. Your past does NOT define your present and future. You have the capacity to move forward, so start unpacking now!