What Hillary Duff taught me about breaking up
Circa 2004, A Cinderella Story. Hillary Duff & Chad Michael Murray were the love story of my childhood. I’ll never forget the moment Hillary Duff’s character (Sam) walked into the men’s locker room ready to tell Chad Michael Murray (Austin) off. And boy did she. The classic line, “Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.” Left every girl thinking “YAS QUEEN’ before that phrase was even a thing…but was it the right thing to do?
12 year old me had no idea just how much I would relate to the texting “relationship” that Austin (CMM) & Sam (HD) experienced. How many times have I been in a “relationship” with some guy that I barely talk to face to face and then become so frustrated by him acting like a jerk irl. Although I could write hundreds of blogs on all the lessons and themes from this movie, today I want to focus on four questions we should consider when breaking up with someone else.
- Where are you breaking up? While the scene was iconic, Sam didn’t uphold Austin’s dignity by calling him out in front of everyone. It is so important to find a private setting to break up with a person. Listen I get it, Austin hurt Sam and she wanted him to feel as publicly ostracized as she did. However this only creates a cycle of disrespect (and quite frankly, dehumanization). Before you decide how to break up with someone, ask yourself this question: Am I breaking up with this person in a way that I would want to be broken up in?
- What are YOU made for? Every human being is made by love, for love, to love. You and I are each made in the image and likeness of God which means we each deserve to be treated with respect. If you’re so angry at someone else and you don’t even want to think about how they deserve to be treated with respect and blah blah blah (even though they do…#HumanDignity); Consider what you were made for. You, [your name here], were made by love (God), to love, for love. That is your purpose. Ultimately, doing anything other than that will not bring you joy. Don’t believe me? Look at Sam. Even after she told Austin off, she wasn’t happy. She had her big moment but it turns out hurting other people doesn’t heal us; only love can do that. When you approach your next break up ask yourself this question: Am I trying to break up with this person or am I trying to hurt them?
- How will you be remembered? You want to break up with some? Okay. Be classy about it. When it comes to storming off, dramatically yelling at your ex in the rain or spreading nasty rumors, it’s best to leave it in the movies. As someone who has stormed off more times than I can count, I legitimately cannot remember the last time storming off from a conversation helped me. Sure it felt great in the moment but my anger, hurt and problems were still there when I returned. The only thing missing was my pride. When you break up with someone, be remembered as the classy one…not the one who blew up or sent mixed signals a few weeks down the road.
- Why did you date them? In our current culture sometimes the purpose of dating gets lost. Regardless of what initially attracted you to dating a specific person, the overall purpose of dating it to discern marriage with some! Ultimately,every relationship ends in one of two ways: Marriage or break up. This means you are potentially either dating your future spouse or you are dating someone else’s future spouse. It is so important to keep this mind frame when you are in a relationship or in this case, exiting one. Would I want someone else doing xyz to my future spouse? If the answer is no, don’t do it!
At the end of the day, how we break up matters. Yes, break ups can be painful and messy. There can be many justifiable emotions and pain surrounding a break up. But what is never justifiable is treating another human in a dehumanizing way. If you want to break up with someone do it in a non public way, remember your dignity & the other person’s dignity, and like all things in life, keep it classy.
