3 Ways to Combat The Lies of Shame

I’m at the plate for my third attempt of the day. There I go, with sweaty palms, gripping my bat as tightly as possible in an attempt to feel in control. There are two outs, we are down by one, and it’s the final inning. I look up at my coach who knows I have been struggling to get a hit. I grip the bat a little tighter. I swing in full force but look back to see the ball pop up into the catcher’s glove. I’m out and the game is over. I run back to the dugout with tears in my eyes. Without much time to waste, the internal voices come. “You’re a team captain and you’ve let the team down. You’ve failed them. You should have practiced more. What’s wrong with you?”

This is a familiar sneaky voice and her name is shame. It’s something I learned from a young age from the reactions of the adults in my life when I did something wrong. It didn’t take long for me to internalize this voice and get really close to this frenemy. In an attempt to run from her I tried to find my identity in things that I was good at. For the majority of my life, that meant sports. But even when I thought I had found a way to avoid it, shame would find its way to creep in. Maybe this isn’t how shame sounds in your life, but I’m convinced that we all experience its negative effects in some capacity. So what is shame and how do we combat it? 

According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and author of Daring Greatly, shame is defined “as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Brown goes on to point out that there is a difference between shame and guilt. Where guilt convicts us of a wrong we have done which helps us grow, shame tells us that we as humans are wrong and not deserving of love because of the mistakes we have made.

We all carry some sort of pain or fear in our lives, but we are not meant to carry these burdens alone. One day I gave a presentation that I wasn’t pleased with and shame started to creep in. Instead of gently stepping back and looking at my mistakes as opportunities to learn, I began to hear the self-accusations pounding in my head. My teammate saw that I was upset and took the time to look me in the eye and sit with me through the pain. My teammate’s presence made me feel safe and seen. At that moment, he reminded me of my dignity and worth, which helped combat the lies that I was believing about myself. He didn’t try to pretend that everything was okay or change the subject. He simply sat with me and gave me the gift of his time. What a gift! To combat fear and doubt, we must have the courage to be honest with our struggles and allow others to love us as we are. Below are three ways we can combat the lies, doubts, and accusations from the enemy. 

1. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself. Would you talk to your favorite grandparent the way you speak to yourself? Learn to be patient with yourself. (Disclaimer- being patient with yourself is really hard, so be patient with your impatience!)
2. Share your struggles with someone you can trust. This can be a mentor, counselor, best friend, or parent. Your story matters and deserves tender love and support from someone close to you. We’re not meant to share the sacred parts of our story with everyone. There is no greater gift than to be met with love and empathy. 
3. Seek the truth of your identity. As we spend time more time in prayer, adoration, reading the Bible, or other spiritual reading, we get to know God’s voice and are reminded of the truth of our identity as God’s beloved sons and daughters. 

My dear friends, it’s okay that you don’t have it all together. Just remember that you are loved even when you don’t feel like it and God is working even when you don’t see it. Keep fighting the good fight!