Our Hearts Must Be Broken
Having your heart broken is nothing short of agonizing and disappointing. At that point in the relationship, you’ve shared memories with this person and mended your lives together. You have taught each other things that you could have only learned from one another, but in a single conversation, all of that could be taken away. It’s easy to say that the agonizing pain from a breakup would be worth it. However, contrary to popular belief and all mainstream trends that tell you to never love again after having your heart broken; There is so much to learn about our hearts when they are broken by someone else.
C.S. Lewis says, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one.” When we love our hearts are seen and our deepest desires are exposed. Our hearts are an extremely vulnerable part of our humanity, unfortunately, they are not always well received. So is C.S. Lewis saying that we shouldn’t love at all? No, rather, he is saying that we should love and be vulnerable, or else our hearts will become numb, impenetrable, and irredeemable.
Unfortunately, there’s no escaping heartbreak. By the nature of the purpose of dating, which is to get married, we will all face the sobering reality of heartbreak before we meet our spouse. Heartbreak helps us better understand what we are looking for in a future spouse. Every time we allow ourselves to love in an ordered way, we step closer to our vocation and future spouse.
In our humanity, since our creation, we have been wired to respond to one another with love and designed to be in a relationship. Each of us has a deep desire to be pursued and loved by someone else. The idea of being loved and making a self-gift is captivating. The mystery of God is revealed through love. You can never fully define it and never really know it until you experience it firsthand.
Unfortunately, many of us will confuse love with infatuation and lust. This is often the place where our hearts get broken the most. Infatuation makes a fool out of our deepest desires and makes our hearts even more vulnerable to being broken.
When I was in high school, I was so infatuated with the baseball team captain that I would stutter and stumble over my words when I was around him. I would let him borrow my pencils every day in class and even go as far as letting him look at my answers for the homework assignments. I did anything to capture his attention and would do anything for him just on the off chance that it might change his heart into liking me. Though we did go to one high school dance together, we never fell in love and my heart was left empty as the infatuation faded away.
Although I was crushed that he never liked me back I still learned something. I learned that I am worthy of a man’s love and that I don’t have to earn it by doing tasks for him.
Oftentimes, our culture speaks this lie that women have to earn a man’s love in order to be in a proper relationship. We are told that we are inferior to them and we must prove to them our ability to be a good enough girlfriend. This is a direct result of original sin. We were never made for this kind of “love”. If we were, why would our hearts be broken over and over again?
This lie was redeemed when I met a friend of mine in college. We quickly became close friends after going on several road trips together and watching as our best friends started dating each other. He was the first man that I could be completely honest with and be received.
During the summer while I was preparing to leave for my job, he called me, which he normally doesn’t do. I immediately picked up and said “Hey, what’s up? What do you need?” He replied, “Oh, I don’t need anything from you. I just wanted to know how you were doing.”
He didn’t want anything from me. He didn’t want me to do anything but express how I was feeling. He gave me a space to be received in authenticity. This is the type of love we have been made for! Pope John Paul II reminds us “Do not forget that true love sets no conditions. It does not calculate or complain, but simply loves”. A love that listens and receives. One that holds your heart with gentleness and reverence. It was in allowing my heart to be broken by my infatuating crushes that made this moment with my friend so redeeming. I would have never known what my heart was really made for if I had never let it break.
My encouragement for you is to grieve the heart breaks you’ve experienced and to reflect on how they have changed your perception of love. I encourage you to love and to be loved even with the chance of getting heartbroken. Remember that each heartbreak is one step closer to your future spouse and holds an important place in your story. Lastly, remember that you are worthy of a divine love and a great pursuit.
