Men, We are Responsible for Women
Today in Catholic circles, discussions of modesty and controlling one’s eyes can very quickly become heated arguments that leave men and women alike feeling angry, disrespected, unheard, and ashamed.
The tension often rests on determining who bears the responsibility of upholding the other’s dignity. Is it up to the women to dress modestly so as to avoid being a stumbling block for the men who are by their nature more visually sensitive? It is true that men need women to help them live out the virtue of chastity. Or should the men strengthen their wills so as to be able to take up their crosses and choose to love even the most immodest women? The reality is that every woman is worthy of love regardless of how she dresses or acts. In my experience, the progression of this conversation–if it can be called that–leads to a fruitless stalemate in which men and women just end up talking past each other. Each side wants the other to see why they should be doing more in the fight for authentic love, but they seldom arrive at an understanding.
While I cannot speak for women, when these stalemates happen the men involved generally walk away frustrated and embittered, and the often already broken trust they have in women is further eroded. Eventually, it begins to feel like the women don’t even care about the men’s struggles and the men conclude that they must fight for their purity on their own.
In light of all this, the question becomes: how do we approach upholding each others’ dignity in a way that affirms both men and women and their experiences and does not compromise the high call to sacrificial love which Jesus has given us? I address my answer to this question specifically to men in the hope that we can lead the charge in loving our sisters and encouraging each other to see every woman as a beloved daughter of the Most High God.
Men, God created us with the profound capacity to protect those around us and lay down our lives for those whom we love, and He intends us to use it to the fullest! One of the most heroic ways we are called to do this is in the context of our relationships with women. Pope St. John Paul II emphasized this when he said: “God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman.” What this means is that as men, we have a responsibility to love, respect, and cherish every single woman God has created or ever will create. This holds true even for the women who don’t recognize their own worth, the ones who don’t see themselves as someone deserving of love, the ones who dress and act in a way that is not suited for a daughter of the King. When we choose to uphold the dignity of a woman who does not even respect herself, our love for her is that much greater because we have taken up the responsibility not just for ourselves but also for her. So whether she be our mother, our sister, our girlfriend, or a total stranger, every woman is deserving of our love and respect, and the Lord has entrusted us with taking care that her dignity be upheld.
So, given that we as men are responsible for lovingly and patiently defending and affirming the dignity of every woman, it follows then to ask how we will actually do this on a practical level. Below are some practicals that can aid us in the fight for our own chastity and purity and that of women.
1. Pray every day specifically for the grace to see women as the crowns of creation and each encounter with them as an opportunity for love and not an occasion of sin. We need the Lord to instill in us the reality that women are marvels to be wondered at and invitations to contemplate the fullness of His divine majesty.
2. Forge strong friendships with other men who are following Christ and are striving to live out the virtue of chastity and love sacrificially. I cannot emphasize enough the gift of having brothers who are fighting for real love alongside you. It changes everything! Find men who share your conviction that women are deserving of love and respect, and take the time to get to know them and pray for them daily. For “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17.
3. Lastly, consistently affirm the women in your life who do strive to be modest in behavior and dress that they are beautiful. These women practice modesty first and foremost because they know that their bodies are sacred and that what is sacred should be veiled not to be hidden away but to invite others to contemplate the fullness of what they are. In doing this they present themselves to men as a mystery to be approached with reverence and awe and not an object to be used. They are fighting a difficult battle all their own against the tides of our culture’s fashions and their peers, and they probably aren’t getting the same amount of attention that immodest women do from most men. A genuine compliment can go a long way in making a woman feel seen and loved!
There is no question that the task laid before us by God is a challenging one. I know from experience that it will demand all of ourselves, and that we cannot do it without Christ and each other. But we should not fear this. For if God has ordained that we as men have the responsibility to heroically love women in this way, then He will surely give us the grace to do so. Pope St. John Paul II said, “Do not be afraid, then, when love makes demands. Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.” Take courage, men, we were made to sacrifice.
