When Mental Health is Part of Your Story
At the age of 8 I couldn’t stop touching door knobs.
I mean I could stop, but it was like my brain wouldn’t let me. If I didn’t touch that knob the “right” number of times then something bad was going to happen. At least that’s what I thought. Not really thought so much as felt. An overwhelming feeling of anxiety.
Touch. Walk away. Go back. Touch. Walk away. Go back. Touch. No not like that. Was that an even number of times? Did I do this the right way? I lost count. Touch. Walk away. Go back.
The cycle continued for years. It wasn’t just door knobs either. Turning on-and-off light switches repeatedly, avoiding certain numbers because they were “bad”, washing my hands between each bite of food – just to name a few. These little quirks began to make big impressions and my parents were quick to pick up on them.
I was taken to see a counselor who diagnosed me with a mild form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Not the kind of “OCD” that makes people lightheartedly say, “Hold on, let me straighten this, my OCD is driving me crazy!” Instead this was the actual anxiety disorder that thousands of people struggle with daily.
OCD is best characterized as an anxiety disorder highlighted by obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are essentially things you don’t want to think about that your brain somehow can’t let go of. For example, getting sick with germs or losing a loved one. Unlike normal worrying, these obsessions don’t go away and sort of just “implant” in the mind. This causes deep anxiety within the person.
Compulsions, then, are little actions the person will do to try and relieve that anxiety. They are usually irrational like repetitive hand washing or turning light switches on and off until it “feels right”. The compulsions will provide relief for a moment, but the anxiety comes flooding back causing the cycle of obsessions and compulsions to intensify and repeat.
That’s been my experience for more than half of my life. Deep experiences of anxiety and discomfort. Moments when everyone around me was having a good time and I was fearfully obsessing about something I may have done wrong. Moments where all I wanted was to unwind, but the ball of anxiety in my mind wouldn’t let me. If I honestly reflect on my history with anxiety and OCD I can look back and see some moments of real pain and suffering.
It’s tempting to pretend like it isn’t there. We often want to hide from those areas of our life that have brought the most pain. We can have a “tough-it-up” mentality, push it all to the past, and move forward as if everything is okay. But I have to be honest with you. I have to be honest with myself. Even if things have gotten better with this part of my life, I can’t ignore the fact that this is a part of my story.
Whether I like it or not – mental health is a part of my story.
Mental health has an interesting connotation these days. While there’s a bigger push than ever to lift the stigma from seeking mental help, there is still an overwhelming veil of secrecy surrounding the issue. It also doesn’t help that much of the “stigma-lifting” has led to mental health becoming more of a buzzword than a concrete reality. We hear the term “mental health” being thrown around as an excuse to get a bubble bath or a break from work instead of using it when we look a friend in the eye and ask “how are you?”.
Given how uneasy the world of mental health still feels it can be hard to accept our own stories within it. Despite whatever level of stigma-lifting is experienced, it’s hard to shake off that feeling of “no one else will understand, this issue makes me weak.” Instead of accepting it as a part of our reality, we can shy away from it all together.
But it’s only when we acknowledge our need that we begin to fully heal. If we ignore a wound it will only begin to fester. It’s only when we acknowledge the role mental health has played in our story that we begin to get a “full picture” of our humanity.
Jesus doesn’t shy away from any part of your humanity. Even those dark and grimy spots. Even those areas you wish didn’t exist, Jesus doesn’t shy away from you at all. In fact, He draws closer to our weaknesses. He is drawn to the weakest and to the poor. He sits there in your greatest hurt, comforting you, and begins to bring healing there. If you let Him, He can make you well. When we present our full humanity to Jesus, He meets us there in our stories and brings life where we’ve only experienced death.
This issue does not make you weak. Here are some practicals for helping you see that:
- Let the Lord See You
Are you ashamed of issues you have regarding mental health? Is that a part of your life you try to hide? It’s a big part of your story, so it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to reveal that to just anyone. But, at the same time, it is not who you are. In prayer, be before the Lord just as you are. Good, bad, and even parts you wish weren’t there. Be honest with Him and give Him permission to see you, know you, and love you as you are. Mental health and all.
- Seek Help
Obviously, if mental illness is causing situations that are dangerous to yourself or others, you should seek out the help of a professional. You are so good and deserve a life of freedom. Even if what you’re struggling with is less severe, so many people have found blessings by speaking with a therapist. Finding a therapist doesn’t mean you’re broken, it’s acknowledging that you’re stronger when you have the help of others.
- Be Honest with Your Story
For the longest time I tried to pretend OCD didn’t bother me anymore. I sought a counselor and took it to prayer and received amazing progress over the course of time. I figured, “I don’t have to go back there. That’s in the past.” But it wasn’t until I realized anxiety still played a factor in my life that I began to be more gentle with myself. I realized I didn’t have to tough it up anymore, I could sit in reality and let the Lord strengthen me in my weakness. You don’t have to pretend that reality isn’t there, you can accept this part of your story and still find the healing you desire.
You deserve freedom. You deserve to be fully alive. We don’t have to walk through these dark valleys alone! You are not alone.
Let the Lord see you, seek help, and embrace all aspects of your story. The Lord already does. When mental health is part of your story, that’s a moment of weakness that can serve as a gate to invite the Lord into your life in a new and profound way.
