The Friendship Fallacy: “Following” Versus Accompaniment and Authentic Connection
“Friend” has never had more definitions than it has garnered within the last two decades. There are best friends. There are close friends. There are old friends. There are new friends. Fake friends and “frenemies.” Friends by association of other friends. There are friends from school, from Church, from our teams and clubs. Friends we meet in travels abroad. Camp friends. Facebook friends. Friends we follow on Instagram. Friends who just swap TikToks. Friends we call. Friends we text. Friends we hang out with and friends we don’t. And there are friends who are just ghosts on Snapchat.
But what really is a friend? The relatively new phenomenon of social media has pitched an entirely new paradigm of “friend,” all based on what pop culture’s been persuading since social media’s inception in 1997 (Irfan). The questions is, are our followers actually our friends IRL? Are our friends even our followers? Who do we live for? Who and what do we advocate for? Who do we freely give of our time to…or keep it from? Who do we post for…performance or people? Are we really posting for our friends in the hopes of securing the masses’ attention, even total strangers, for the sake of…getting more “friends.” Perhaps quite a few of us could admit we are tethered to that hit of dopamine when the numbers climb in the top corner of our screens (You have my own personal admission of guilt).
The Fallacy Exposed:
The passivity of social media…the disingenuity of the screen…the lack of quality time for a true communion of persons is certainly something to ponder. Although it can be good for maintaining friendships of old, how can social media in-and-of-itself be good for cultivating new, genuine bonds? I have always heard growing up, “To have a friend, you have to be one.” But how do we do this, when modern society has flayed the definition of friendship into manifold meanings?
Personal Story! I fell into the trap. In high school and early college, when I got reallllllly into Snapchat and Instagram in particular, I thought my rapidly climbing numbers of thousands of followers in the top right and my far-above-average likes for that time—was reflective of my actual friendships or some kind of legitimate clout and popularity—a tribute to my character that made me feel more validated and loved on a regular basis. Yikes. Whatta hollow ego boost that was difficult to disassociate from my actual identity! Thing is, it was normalized and reinforced both by people in real life and on the screen with abundant and profuse affirmation. I now look back with the grimace of retrospect: that was nothing more than an obvious inflation of pride that kept me from growing in holiness and from knowing that my identity is actually rooted in nothing other than being a daughter of God The Father. That being said, my authentic friendships are those that are fostered in real life and not in an app, rooted in Him. They point to this reality of my identity, whereas the numbers of followers and likes on my screen and virtual popularity do not convey that deeper reality of my heart being known in true friendship. Nevertheless, I still spent a few years of my life believing the friendship fallacy that the vast majority of us Millennials and Gen Z-ers fall victim to at one point or another. Trust me, I get it! Our whole society at large is pushing this paradigm, this cultural shift of our following being our friends and our friends being our following, of virtual being reality and reality being virtual. It’s hard to discern the Truth in it all.
Don’t get me wrong, I do legitimately think that social media is a beautiful and innovative tool to connect people far and wide. It is most definitely a powerful agent of marketing and business purposes, of spreading messages and getting points across. Not to mention, it has potential to really spread positivity, even if we see the flipside of the negative messages. Actually, Social media is morally neutral by nature, neither good, nor bad. But the truth about social media “friendships” (and by this, I mean people we hardly see…if ever IRL, people whom we would only call “friend” because we are mutual followers with mutually thrown likes and affirming commentary, Snapchat streaks, or DM’s) is that they only shadow or mimic the real thing. They are an artificial substitute aimed at alleviating even the littlest ache of loneliness, or maybe they are a pump to the ego to feel included. Or maybe they band-aid the gaps of idle boredom that keep us from living more creatively in the present moment. So if we—like I have admittedly done in the past at times—are looking to coast life on those cheap endorphins of likes and new followers to substitute for real emotional connection in moments of disconnect from the people around us, we are left hurting, wanting, and possibly deluding ourselves that we are more connected than ever. We will be left knowing deep down that we are only fostering the image of what we desire, not the actual thing—a façade of popularity, of inclusion, or friendship. I know firsthand that no growing number of followers and no amount of little orange hearts bubbling up from the corner of your screen will fill the very real emotional void of that deep-seated desire for authentic connection and community. We all long to be fully known, seen, loved, and reverenced exactly as we are.What the human heart really wants is to be WITH others. To be in communion with other hearts. Authentic friendship is opening your heart, giving it to another, and receiving their heart in full, as they are. In short, friends are WITH you. Through it all. Proverbs 18:24 says, “A person of many friends may come to ruin, but a true friend is more loyal than a brother.” When we look at Jesus as the model of authentic friendship in His love for his apostles, we see also that the name “Emmanuel,” literally means “God with us.” God sent His Only Son to earth to dwell with us and offer us salvation (John 3:16). He told us He is “with us always, even unto the end of the world (Matthew 28:20).” Jesus is The Intimate Friend of each of our hearts, and He shows us how to authentically love and accompany one another in true friendship and discipleship beyond a screen. If you are feeling how social media might have undermined or distracted you from your in-person connections, you are not alone, and I want to challenge you. If you’ve never done it before, I encourage you to surrender your friendships to His care, to look to Him and ask Him to bless your friendships. He can help us nurture deeper relationships than the surface level of the screen. I know that a pandemic makes this difficult, but I trust in the Divine Creativity of the Master Creator to make things happen! The Lord has truly blessed me with several deep, lifelong, authentic friendships that perpetually fill and revive my heart and push me to Him. The joy this brings far surpasses the dopamine rush of thousands of followers and likes that I used to cling to as a source of love, identity, and friendship. Let’s find our buddies to run to Heaven with! The Holy Spirit desires your heart and wants to bless you so that you may have life in abundance (John 10:10)! As Pope Francis puts it, “Since the creation of human beings, God has communicated his love through relationship with humanity…The Old and New Testament reveal the Trinitarian God to be a God who accompanies.” God is WITH us—The Eternal Accompaniment—inviting us to accompany Him (whatta privilege of love!) and console The Sacred Heart of Jesus. This love and friendship pours forth into our journey of accompanying one another and creates true communities of deep, authentic, personal connections among us. Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel!
