8 Dating Tips for Guys and Girls
Ask someone what they think about dating, and you’ll likely get one of a few classic responses. Some are disillusioned and fed up with the whole thing, while some have eager questions and are ready to get into the game, still others may push it down altogether: “ain’t nobody got time for that!”
Dating isn’t easy, and I think in our culture we’ve made it unnecessarily confusing and hard because of our fear! We crave approval and validation so much that it has become taboo to put ourselves on the line for someone else in a heroic way. Our lack of clarity, initiative, and intention as well as our dishonesty for fear of hurting someone’s feelings have all created a dating culture that many young people feel confused about. But what if it doesn’t have to be this confusing?
Here are a few tips I’ve compiled from my conversations with young adults and my own experiences that may help you navigate this sometimes confusing, yet exciting world of dating!
- A date doesn’t have to be a marriage proposal. You can take the pressure off!
A few years ago, a guy in college asked me on a dinner date, and afterwards he took me to an adoration chapel, got down on one knee, and washed my feet. Of course this was such a nice gesture, and I was so honored by his intentionality! However, it brought a high level of romance into our relationship right off the bat. I had to take a step back later so I could get to know him more naturally.
When you ask someone on a date (or ladies, if you agree to a date), it doesn’t have to be extravagant or high-pressure! A simple one-hour coffee date works just fine. The level of relationship you will both have at that point is only friendship, so you don’t have to bring on the romance yet. That helps your relationship blossom more naturally and keeps both parties free to think on their own! Guys, therefore, it’s probably a good idea to ask her out before you’re already head-over-heels! If you think you might be attracted to her, then go for it – you have little to lose with a low-pressure date!
- Men’s community is priceless.
Rejection is difficult, and I’m grateful for the guys who put themselves out there so a girl doesn’t have to! I see that and honor that. I’ve had guys ask me what to do about their fear of rejection, and I think a great way to gain some courage in the face of possible rejection is through the dudes around you! Maybe they can hype you up to ask the girl out or be there for you if you get a no. Either way, the vulnerability of dating or the fear of rejection can cause someone to not put themselves out there and follow their dreams. Having people to back you up and encourage you is priceless!
- Use the word “date”.
Saying “date” prevents a girl from wondering what’s really going on. Remember that “date” doesn’t have to mean something heavy and super serious!
Just last night, I watched “The Princess Diaries”, and the main character’s crush asked her on a date…but he never used the word! In fact, when Mia asked whether their “hang out” was a date, he actually said no! When she was offered other plans that night, she was more apt to blow him off because she had no idea where his heart was. Something like “Hey, I think you’re amazing and I’d love to get to know you more over coffee. Would you like to go on a coffee date with me this week?” works just fine!
- When rejecting a guy, honesty is better than excuses…
I know it may seem harsh to tell a guy who’s put his heart on the line for you that you’re not interested. Many times girls will say something like “this semester is crazy and I just can’t date right now” or “I’m working too much right now”. We mean well because we don’t want to hurt his feelings! But when a guy hears that, he thinks: “so… there’s still a chance!”. His heart might even be dragged along for months at a time simply because your reason could possibly change in the future. I know it may seem harsh, but saying something like “I think you’re a great guy and thank you for this date, but I’m simply not attracted to you in that way” is a more clear option. Yes, rejection hurts, there’s no denying that. It’s good to remember, though, that it would help him move on more quickly if we were more clear!
- Both parties always have freedom to walk away.
That’s the difference between dating, engagement, and marriage! The purpose of dating is to have an exclusive, yet free relationship to discern if you want to make marriage vows to one another. Therefore, if there’s any excessive guilt, codependency to where you feel like your life depends on being with this person, or even chemical bonds created through sexual intimacy, it could be a good idea to take a second and evaluate your level of freedom. Phrases like “I couldn’t live without you”, “you’re the only one who makes me happy”, or displays of over-excessive sacrifice – like sacrificing one’s friendships, hygiene, spiritual health, or sense of identity for a dating partner – show that there’s not much freedom. If you fear hurting someone so much that it keeps you from feeling free, then get some friends around you who can give you the courage you need to break up or set healthy boundaries!
- You don’t have to hangout every day.
One summer, when a past boyfriend and I were working in separate cities, we talked on the phone every evening. And this was great …. for about a week. Then I realized it was an unspoken expectation that we call each other every night. Even though both of us needed a break, neither one of us wanted to “back down”. It’s a good idea to recognize your limits, no matter how gung-ho your other partner seems to be. It’s not a failure to admit that, and it could be best for your relationship in the long run. Something like “I love talking to you; however, I think it would be healthiest for me and for our relationship if we talk 3 times a week instead” is a great way to start! Hopefully your partner is eager to give you whatever is best for you, so it invites him or her to love you in the way they aspire to! Loving you well is exactly what they want. You are worthy of the chance to be loved and to ask for it.
- You are not the sum of your weaknesses and failures.
Dating ends in one of two ways: you either get married or break up. So chances are, if you’re not married yet, you may have gone through a break-up before. And if you’ve gone through a break-up before, you’ve probably learned lessons the hard way about your weaknesses. Those situations can make us look back with shame and even keep us from opening up to new love. The lie we believe is that we must be perfect to be worthy of love. But that’s simply not the case. If it was, then we wouldn’t need marriage at all because the purpose of marriage is our sanctification! I’ve joked many times about how my future husband needs to be really patient or special or blind in order to like me. Let’s reform the way we speak about ourselves and acknowledge where we need our own kindness the most. It’s okay to take a season for healing and for talking with God about your past. Let yourself be transformed by what He sees in you, and open your heart up to the love you are worthy of.
- Spiritual chastity also exists.
One of my college boyfriends and I got to know each other by starting a prayer group together. Every morning for about four months, we began our days by leading other students in prayer. But prayer is a pretty intimate activity! So when we started sharing more and more of our spiritual lives together, it was inevitable that we fell in love. Throughout our relationship, though, our prayer lives were intertwined so much that it seemed as though we didn’t have spiritual lives apart from each other. We would pray together, and if we weren’t together, we would pray for and about each other. But when we broke up, it was unnecessarily heartbreaking because our relationship felt as if we were spiritually married. So…unless you’re seriously dating or engaged, it may not be the best idea to intimately share every part of your spiritual lives together. That’s a deep part of your heart that’s shared between you and God, so be sure to honor it and keep it safe! Adoration visits aren’t the best first-date material!
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! I could write 20 more tidbits, but those are some of the best chunks of wisdom I’ve received over the years in my own life and in conversations with others! Remember to be kind to yourself and realize how worthy you are – no matter what! Never settle for less.
