Your Relationship with Fear
Friends, we need to talk about the elephant in the room that is fear. Is fear holding you back from living the life you envision? Is fear keeping you from asking out your crush on a date? Maybe fear is keeping you from taking the next step towards your dream job. Perhaps you’re like me and fear has kept you from taking some valuable risks! In the past couple of years, I’ve realized that a lot of my anxiety has come down to subconscious fears. These are thoughts and feelings that I have pretended do not exist but tend to drive my behavior without even realizing it. I’m tired of letting fear dictate my life and you may be too, so let’s talk about how to tackle this step by step!
In the bible, Jesus continually tells us to Fear Not or Do Not Be Afraid. I used to think that anytime I felt afraid that I was sinning. What I misunderstood about these words is that it is okay to feel afraid. Feeling afraid does not mean I don’t trust Jesus. It is profoundly more important how we choose to respond to fear versus the feeling itself. Franklin D. Roosevelt stated, that “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than the fear.”1 With this new perspective in mind, it is more than okay to feel afraid, and choosing to act in spite of the fear is actually a way we can grow in virtue!
When a feeling arises I can accept it with gentleness and without judgment even if it’s an uncomfortable feeling such as fear. This ability to acknowledge and be present with our feelings is called Mindfulness. Dr. Greg Bottaro, the author of The Mindful Catholic, states that “Catholic mindfulness is a way to practically trust God more in our lives. Instead of separating faith from day-to-day life, mindfulness helps bridge the gap so we can feel the sense of safety and peace God intends us to have.”7 It takes time to learn to be present with our thoughts so it is important to be gentle with ourselves as we build this awareness muscle! Facing your subconscious fears may seem like a daunting task at first. You may be thinking, “I’ve buried them for a reason! These thoughts are scary to face!” Yes, it will be uncomfortable but acknowledging that these feelings and thoughts exist allows us to bring them to the light and face them versus letting them dictate our behavior. I’ve spent most of my life denying my emotions so if I can start practicing mindfulness and face my fears, you can too!
In an article called, “Seven Suggestions for Dealing with Fear” the author states how we can grow in freedom by naming our fears, owning our fears, and befriending our fears. He states, “All too often, we deny or repress our fears or minimize their presence. Acknowledging our fears is key to dealing with them. It is good and healthy to say out loud: I feel scared about…; I am fearful of…; I am as mad as hell at…; I am jealous of….”2
I can resonate with trying to deny or minimize the presence of uncomfortable feelings. In a moment of fear bubbling up, hiding seems like the most logical solution. I often have to remind myself that I’m not in danger and running from my feelings does not make them disappear. An area I’ve seen this take place in my own life is in relationships. I’ve noticed that sometimes I keep my friends at a distance because I subconsciously fear their judgment or rejection. On bad days I choose to hide and let the fear win. On good days I show up to this fight and push through! We’re all human so we’re bound to have good days and bad days. Nothing is wasted and there is always something we can learn from our experiences.
I have a distinct memory of going to a young adult Christmas party and having an encounter with fear. I got ready for the party, grabbed some chocolate to share, and drove over. Once I parked, I started getting nervous and my thoughts started racing. “Oh no, I’m here. I’m showing up alone. What if this is super awkward? What if they don’t like me? Not another opportunity for rejection!” The fears in my mind started racing so I chose to acknowledge the thoughts and fears present, then gently pushed them aside, and walk into that party! That night I had meaningful conversations and thoroughly enjoyed being in the company of others. There were no guarantees and it certainly could have been an awkward night but I’m so glad I chose to not let my fears win and take the risk!
Everything in life requires some level of risk. With all the uncertainty and turbulence this past year, now more than ever we need people who are willing to be courageous. We know by our faith that whatever comes our way we are never alone. St. Francis of Assisi said, “Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”5 The words of St. Francis remind us that we don’t have to conquer all of our deepest and darkest fears right at once. Spend some time in prayer with the Lord and ask him what is necessary for you to grow in Holiness. What fear God is asking you to face? Maybe it’s facing your fear of prayer or maybe you need to have a hard conversation with a friend. Whatever it may be, remember that you have a God that is rooting for you.
