Waiting to Date: 3 Reasons Why

Have you ever asked yourself what the purpose of dating is? During different seasons of my life, I avoided asking this question because I did not want to hear the answer. Fortunately, I eventually mustered the courage to ask and here’s what I found. The purpose of dating is to discern if you’re called to marriage with someone. I know that might sound outdated and traditional, but let’s try to break this down. Relationships end in one of two ways: you either get married or end the relationship. Today, I’d like to invite you to rediscover the purpose of dating and why waiting to date until you’re ready to discern marriage will create immense freedom in your life!

Reason #1 – Cultivating friendships with the opposite sex is a lost art. One of the first reasons it’s beneficial to wait to date is because learning to be friends with the opposite sex is essential to lasting romantic relationships. Dr. Gregory Bottaro, director of the CatholicPysch Institute, argues that friendship is the most important quality to look for in a spouse. He states, “Only friendship could make the crazy demands of marriage humanly possible.”¹ “I agree that once you’re on the same page about your values, then friendship should play a huge role. But how can we cultivate friendships with the opposite sex if we only view a person through the lens of what they offer us romantically? Spending time in group settings is a great way to cultivate male and female friendships because we’re not solely focusing on the man or woman we are attracted to. Taking the time to get to know those around us helps purify our love and see people for who they are!

Reason #2 – Waiting to date gives us time to grow, heal, and become. 

If you’re called to marriage, you will never be perfect, nor will your spouse. We are on a journey of becoming and will never reach perfection here on earth. With that being said, another reason to wait to date is that seasons of singleness gives us an opportunity to face our wounds. Dr. Henry Cloud is an author and psychologist who states that our unhealed wounds can actually shape who we’re attracted to in unhealthy ways.²  I share this not to scare you but to be aware of the power of being patient with God’s timing instead of jumping into a relationship to fill a void. Reflecting back, I’m grateful that I didn’t go on dates specifically in high school. The desire for a relationship that my younger self had was not bad in itself but the timing was not right because I was not ready to discern marriage (which is totally okay!). In that season of life, God opened the door to my love for sports, building strong friendships, and growing in my relationship with Him. I now can look back and see what a beautiful season it was!

Reason #3 – Waiting to date sets your relationships up for success

The last crucial reason to wait to date until you’re ready to discern marriage is the importance of building a strong foundation. Imagine you think you’ve found the right person and you know it’s not the right timing but you jump into the relationship anyway. You are both starting college and you decide to start dating. It may seem harmless at first, but eventually, you’ll have to ask yourselves, “Where are we headed”? When we jump into relationships years before marriage is in sight, it makes it put living out chastity at risk because you’ll want to grow emotional and physical intimacy. Of course, God is always making our paths straight so not to say that healthy relationships cannot start out in college, however, I’d argue that being in a romantic relationship before you’re open to marriage is not good for the natural progression of a relationship. Imagine how strong your relationship would be if you spend premature years whether in college or high school becoming better friends?

To sum it up, I am an advocate of waiting to date not because I’m a love hater, but because I desire your relationships to thrive! It’s what we’re made for. At this point, you may be thinking, I’m in for healthy relationships, so how do I know if I’m ready to date and discern marriage with someone? Sometimes we can swing the pendulum too far in the opposite direction and think we have to be perfect before jumping into a relationship and I don’t want you to think that either. Like I said earlier, perfection is not on this side of heaven. Here are a few general principles when asking yourself if you’re ready to date:

1. Take a look at your friendships. Are they healthy and thriving?
2. Take a look at your circumstances. Is there space to invite another person in?
3. Talk to someone you can trust such as a spiritual director or mentor about your discernment and life circumstances. An outside perspective helps us see more clearly!
4. Give it a go and put yourself out there! Relationships will always be messy and God will redirect your path if necessary.

So many of the problems with our culture today stem from this one single issue: we’ve forgotten the value of friendship. Imagine living in a world that cherishes virtuous friendships: men and women helping each other become who God intended them to be. Imagine cultivating our gifts and striving to be people of faith and integrity. We’re made for more than a culture of use and seeing the human person only through the lens of what they offer us. Let’s strive to see each person as a gift in our lives and reclaim relationships one friendship at a time. Who’s with me?!