What is Emotional Chastity?

Last week my team and I visited Franciscan University of Steubenville. Since I graduated there in 2017, returning brought up memories of my college days. Being fresh from high school, I was eager to establish relationships based on the most important thing to me: my faith. One of the girls I became close to loved sharing how God acted in her life. We quickly discovered we had much in common, and began spending more and more time together. Within a short amount of time it was clear we both had feelings for each other. Unfortunately neither one of us felt the need to say this, and we continued to grow closer, until one day our relationship unexpectedly slowed down—and by slowed down, I mean she began to spend more time with another guy. 

I was crushed! My heart broke. Didn’t she know that we had something special? Why does she no longer spend any more time with me? To my despair, because we had failed to express our feelings, there was no basis for me to ask her these questions. We weren’t officially committed to each other. I share this story because my experience at Franciscan taught me the importance of observing emotional chastity, which simply means calling out our feelings and respecting the bounds of our relationships so we don’t end up hurting our hearts or others. As such, I grew from that experience, and I would like to help the reader grow in this virtue BEFORE making the same mistakes by following these simple steps:

Step One: Recognize Attraction. Know thyself. I would strongly encourage anyone to be honest about their attractions and reflect if their attractions motivate their behavior. Being attracted to someone romantically is a very good thing. To know this helps us use our attractions in a prudent manner. Oftentimes out of embarrassment or maybe because we are shy, we fail to admit them. It is ok to want to keep your feelings private, but at least admit them to yourself if not anyone else.

Step Two: Define the Relationship. A little courage in the beginning saves a world of confusion and pain in the end. Along with admitting our attractions comes discerning how they should affect our relationships. We should carefully reflect and see if aligning our relationships with our feelings is prudent, or if aligning our feelings with our relationships is instead called for. If we are romantically attracted to someone and we are a guy, then after discerning if this person is a good potential match, courageously asking that person on a date (yes, you have to use the word “date”) would be a wise thing to do. From there, if there exists a mutual attraction, explicitly asking if they would like to be your girlfriend is the best way to go. If she says yes, this allows the relationship to exist freely and definitively with clear guidelines of behavior. You both know where the other stands and no one gets hurt.

Conversely, if you recognize you don’t have attractions but the other does, ask the other person for clarity. This respects their feelings, and will eliminate the possibility of “leading them on” and breaking their heart when they find out you just weren’t interested. This saves friendships!

Step Three: Who, Where and When. Whether you are in a committed intimate relationship or friendship with the opposite sex, respecting the nature of the relaitonship is key: every relationship calls for prudence so we can be free with our desires without harming anyone. Being clear about who we are talking to, where it’s occurring, and at what time of day we are doing so is also vital in protecting our relationships. For instance, if you and another person of the opposite sex are good friends but stay up past midnight each night talking, consider cutting the conversation short earlier, say eleven. Why? Because a friendship becomes blurred when it extends into the night. Respect the friendship! Even with intimate relationships, staying up late  with your boyfriend or girlfriend blurs your relationship and makes it far more intimate. Unless you are married, following a curfew protects the integrity or your relationship.

Step Four: Guard your hearts. Each relationship calls for a different level of vulnerability. Being prudent of how much of your heart you pour out is key. Part of the reason it is a good idea to avoid staying up late talking with someone of the opposite sex is becuase later conversations tend to be deeper personal conversations. For example, sharing deep childhood pains and traumas in detail and how they affect your life now might be unwise to share with a female friend if you are a guy, because knowing in specific detail your deep emotional wounds is not appropriate for a casual opposite-sex friendship! Individual reflection is so important in establishing specific boundaries on what is ok to share and what is not. Having a spiritual director or older more mature friend or parent is also key to knowing what it means to protect your relationships.

By following these four simple steps, it is my hope that you will be better equipped to manage the confusing but fulfilling world of relationships. Again, I offer my personal reflections only for the purpose of helping others avoid making the same mistakes I did, and maintaining healthier and more flourishing relationships.