To Love At All is to be Vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” -CS Lewis

Why is it so easy to hold onto anxiety, fear and doubt? 

For me, it is so much easier to hold onto the anxiety instead of speaking up my needs and asking for someone to hear me out. It is so much easier because vulnerability is difficult. 

I found myself holding onto so much anxiety recently. I woke up feeling so much pressure and stress with certain situations in my life, and I allowed my anxiety to get the best of me. I sat in my living  room surrounded by my incredible teammates watching Sunday morning football, and although I was surrounded by friends who love me, I still felt the weight of my anxieties on my shoulders. I felt like if I shared what was on my heart it would be a burden on them. But this is a lie; we are never burdens!

I then decided to go to the next best thing, which was prayer, and as I sat down in a chapel,  I began to weep. I sat with God and found myself searching and seeking for peace. I was struggling to be honest with God and to ask of him what He thought I needed. I walked out of that chapel still carrying so much of that anxiety. I thought that maybe by sitting and being, it might just vanish,  but it didn’t.

I allowed fear to get the best of me. Although I was sitting with God, trying to hear His voice, I wasn’t voicing my own heart. I was holding onto my insecurities and I knew what God was asking of me as I walked out of that chapel. He was asking me to step out into vulnerability and to voice my needs. 

I share this because I know I am not alone. We go about our days holding onto so much that weighs us down. God not only wants to hear your heart, but He wants all of it, He wants to pour into us His graces of love and peace. He asks us though to be vulnerable. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with God allows us to better be vulnerable with others. We can be vulnerable with that friend, roommate, significant other, parent who we know cares about us. In a book study called “Walking with Purpose” by Lisa Brenninkmeyer, she says  “one place we can lack authenticity is in our relationship with God. We hide from Him, as if He can’t see our sin. God invites us to see ourselves as He sees us.” I find this shockingly true. If it is so hard to voice our needs to our Father in heaven who loves us, imagine how much harder it is for some of us to voice our needs to the person sitting right across from us. God knows our thoughts from afar, “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar” (Psalm 139:1-2). God sees us as we are, is patient with us, and loves us deeply; therefore, we can shy away from rejection and step out in freedom. 

In our anxiety, God wants and desires to meet us where we are. In the midst of the searching and wrestling for peace I have come to realize a few things:

• It is SCARY, but the fear is only for a moment.  In Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly, describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It’s that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control.” 
• Vulnerability is a risk, but it is always worth it. It takes courage to voice our needs and concerns. It takes strength to be rejected if that reaction were to arise. But having come to recognize that to love at all is to be vulnerable it means it is going to be uncomfortable.  It also means that it is going to be difficult, but there is greater reward when we step into it knowing that we are truly choosing to maintain the peace we are so desiring within. 
• We don’t have to be afraid to voice our fears, concerns, and heart, because we are all worthy to experience true freedom. Dr. Brene Brown also emphasizes that without vulnerability, there is no sense of belonging, no joy, and no love. To be vulnerable does not mean it is a sign of weakness, but it actually means the complete opposite, it is a sign of great strength, Vulnerability allows us to take off the masks we love to hide behind and invites us to a love far greater than ourselves. This love points to the cross. Lisa Brenninkmeyer’s quote has stayed with me and I want to end with this: “At the cross, Jesus measured your worth and declared your worth everything! He held nothing back. He gave His life so that you could live in freedom.”

Immerse yourself in this truth. You are loved and your heart is worthy to be heard. Practice being vulnerable with God today and let God guide those conversations that you know need to be had. When we are vulnerable, we will find a greater joy we didn’t know we could experience and a far greater peace within ourselves and with those around us. I think I am slowly starting to understand the difficulty, but the beauty that comes with vulnerability. Stepping into vulnerability has led me to discover a greater freedom to let go of my anxieties and I am learning to trust and let God take full control of my entire life.