How Much Should You Share?

*Ding* My phone lit up as five new messages appeared on the screen. When I clicked on the conversation, I saw four screenshots and one message saying, “What do you think about this?” It was a text exchange between a friend and their significant other. At first, curiosity got the best of me, and I quickly dove into the messages. 

After reading what was sent, I stopped. I thought, “Why is this being shared with me?”. Clearly this was a very personal conversation. I could see why my friend was asking for advice, but was I the best person to give it? Should this have stayed between them? 

Looking back on this situation, I realized there were times in my life where I took a similar approach. Maybe it was sharing all the details of an incredible date. Maybe it was venting about a fight. Maybe it was giving a breakdown of the future my significant other and I were planning together.

In any of these moments, there is the possibility that I overshared. Now I’m not saying we can’t talk about our relationships, but there are cases where we give unnecessary details to those who don’t need them. There are times when we are guilty of doing this on our own, but there are also times when people cross a boundary with their questioning. 

I want to emphasize an essential point to frame the rest of this blog: People don’t have a right to know everything about your relationship. They are not entitled to it, regardless of how close you are with them!

Yes, the desire to share with friends and family is good! It’s important that the people closest to us play a role in our relationship and can give us guidance as we navigate it. That being said, there needs to be a balance of keeping friends and family in the know and honoring the person you are in a relationship with. 

So how do we do that? Here’s a simple breakdown of things to share and not to share with others about our relationships. I’m sure there are plenty more, but here are three examples:

What to Share

1. Qualities you admire: When you are in a relationship with someone, you (hopefully) think they’re the bee’s knees. Celebrating that individual and the qualities you love are awesome things to highlight. This isn’t a bragging session, but it’s beautiful to affirm the goodness of your significant other! 
2. Ways you’ve been challenged: Relationships are hard. There are going to be times when you experience trails, and that’s ok. Don’t feel as if you need to show off the relationship as this ideal and unshakeable thing. It’s important that you’re real that your dynamic isn’t perfect, but you also don’t have to give all the details why. When it comes to being open about challenges, you can share how you learned from hard moments and how you are striving to be better. You can also ask for wisdom from trusted individuals about their own experiences so you can learn from their lives. These are simple approaches to being real but conservative in this sensitive area. 
3. Ways you’re growing: Being in a relationship with someone can (and should) facilitate growth. Great things to share in this area include how this person brings out positive qualities and holds you accountable. You can also share how this relationship has helped you strive and where your stiving might take you in the future. Focus more on the ways you’ve personally been growing rather than detailing every way you’ve helped the other person. This way you are veiling your significant other’s struggles, and you share what’s appropriate about yourself. 

What Not to Share

1. Your Partner’s struggles and challenges: No person is perfect! In every relationship, each person will have insecurities and trials. Pointing out your partner’s struggles to your friends and family can lead them to be unnecessarily critical of your significant other. Instead of sharing about their weaknesses, be open to helping your partner work on those areas and affirm them in their efforts. No peanut gallery is needed for that!
2. All the details from disagreements or problems: There will be hard times for every couple. It’s natural to want to talk about them and gain perspective. Before you do, think about a few things. First, the people you are sharing your relationship trials with will only hear one side. They will not be able to give a perfect response because they don’t have all the facts. Second, if you continue to go to them rather than your partner to work things out, it may become a habit. If this is consistent, it doesn’t facilitate a healthy way to work out fights and issues in the future. It can also result in that friend or family member feeling like a middleman. Putting them in this awkward position can put a strain on the relationship and end up not solving the initial problem!
3. Confidential conversations: If your partner explicitly asks you not to share what they’ve told you, then don’t. When we share these private conversations after being asked not to, we are breaking trust. This can impact how they open up in the future, so reverence this request. This doesn’t apply when the other person is in danger or you are at risk for harm. PLEASE speak up and reach out if this is the case.

Maybe what we want to share doesn’t fall into these categories. There are many elements to consider, and we should be continually discerning what is appropriate to reveal. If we are struggling with what to disclose about our relationship, reflect on the following questions:

• What are my intentions for sharing? (e.g. Am I looking for a certain response or reaction? Am I processing and looking for someone to listen? Am I scared to bring this up in my relationship?)
• Is this something I should talk about with my significant other first?
• Would I want my partner sharing this about me?

In addition to reflecting, it’s important to have an honest conversation with your significant other about what elements of your relationship and their life are acceptable to share with others. You may even have to specify what can be shared with certain people and in certain situations. Over communicating boundaries for sharing is better than guessing what’s OK and what’s not. 
One final reminder: A relationship is between you and the other person. Not your mom, dad, Aunt Karen, and all your closest friends. Two people – that’s it. There are times when speaking to a therapist, counselor, and/or spiritual director can be beneficial when we are truly seeking a healthy outside perspective. While that can be helpful, at the end of the day you have to sort through all the thoughts, advice, and input with your partner. Finding the right balance can be difficult, but it is a worthy endeavor!