Divorce Is Never Easy
There’s no other way of expressing how painful divorce is when it happens to you. Reality never hit me as hard as it did once I moved out of the house I grew up in. As we moved some of our furniture into the cheap, rinky-dink apartment my mom hastily found in the adjacent town, I realized this was actually happening. Half of us chose to stay with my mom, while one sister stayed with my Dad. The family officially split in two.
I tried forcing myself to be excited. I tried rationalizing it, finding ways to reason through that this was best for the family.However, watching my family separate left my heart feeling more dead than alive. As much as I could reason with it, I could no longer look back on good family memories without feeling pangs of anger and sadness. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Half of the family took sides, one half blaming the other parent, one parent pitted against the other, countless feuds between siblings. I remember moments of sitting with either parent, hearing them talk about the problems about my dad or my mom. At one point, I was overwhelmed with anger and pain. God, why would you let this happen?? I hit a breaking point after getting into a fight with my mom. I couldn’t stand the pain of how things had come to be. I immediately left the apartment, threw the keys into the ignition, and drove straight to the adoration chapel I grew up visiting at our local church. No one was present inside the little room. I opened up the little doors to the monstrance, and fell to my knees with all of my anger,brokenness, my family struggles, and the pains of experiencing the divorce. I started shouting at him, “God, WHY?! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN??”
It was in that moment of vulnerability in front of the adoration chapel that I felt all my anger, sadness, bitterness, and hatred wash away with an overwhelming sense of peace and love that vibrated through my entire being. It was a love so deep and so intimate that my heart flooded open with tears that was washing away my pain. I knew in that moment that I was being embraced by the only One that could never fail in loving me. I felt His love, and his pain in watching my family and me suffer. This was never what he intended for us. To this day, that night in the chapel changed the course of my life. It has become a pillar of strength for me to look back on, when the wounds of divorce dig a little deeper into me, on those days that hurt more than others. The pain never completely goes away, but there is hope and healing for those that suffer from divorce. There is a light that can come out of darkness. God does not want isolation or abandonment, but love and communion. I recognized in the chapel that night that “all things work for good for those who love God, according to his purpose” (Rom. 8:28). I didn’t know how, when, or why these events were coursing their way in my life, but I knew that God had a plan in the midst of it all.
If you are struggling with the pains of divorce, know that you are not alone. Every divorce creates wounds that you carry with you throughout your life. Your hurts, emotions, and feelings are valid, and no one can fully understand what you are going through more than yourself. As someone who has lived from the pains of a family divorce, here are some helpful tips that have been helpful for me over the years:
- Recognize and allow yourself to feel your emotions
Trust me, I know. I would much rather take my emotions and lock them in a tight closet and try my best to forget about it. But what will happen if we approach it in this way is that it will only grow and fester over time. That could lead to a lot of pain for us in the future. Wounds that never heal end up hurting others and ourselves. So feel the pain. Whether that is anger, sadness, loneliness, or loss. Get that large latte. Eat your favorite comfort food. Find a punching bag that you can punch your heart out on. Our emotions speak what our hearts are going through.
- Forgiveness is key.
It is so easy to accuse or to blame someone for what happened. Sometimes, that even means ourselves. But if we decide not to let go and to surrender it into God’s hands, we end up putting chains upon ourselves. It will only lead to anger, bitterness, and hatred. It doesn’t mean that we have to feel like forgiving. Those feelings caused by wounds can last a long time. It simply means that we allow ourselves to see them in God’s eyes of how he loves them. Trust me, I still fight for forgiveness. Some days are much easier than others. I definitely have days where I lose to my own bitterness and anger in my heart. In those moments that are most difficult for me and those memories and feelings flood me, I pray, “God, I CAN’T. YOU can.” Surrender to Him and let him do the work.
- Talk to someone that you can trust
We can’t do this alone. Allow others into your life that you can lean on, who can listen to you and what you’re going through. There are people in our lives that care about us and want the best for our own health and well-being. Consider asking someone to sit down to you and listen, whether that is a friend, a mentor, or a counselor. YOU matter. YOU are worth being taken care of.
- Healing is Possible!
You CAN find healing. Don’t expect to be healed in a short amount of time. More often than not, it is a long and arduous process that requires lots of prayer, time, and love and encouragement from others to allow healing to take place. It’s been at least 7 years since my family divorced, and as much as I have gone through a lot of the healing process, it is something that I know will continue to need more healing. Take it slow, take a deep breath, and let God do all the work!
