Love & Her Evil Step Sister: How To Tell Them Apart
Walking down the street and you feel a gaze scan your body from head to toe and maybe a whistle that follows as your back turns. Hearing what is alleged to be an affirmation that only “compliments” one part of your physique, you aren’t sure why that’s supposed to make you feel proud. Getting out of a steam filled car, leaving a significant other, asking yourself why you feel such a deep disappointment. If we know what love is not, then we know it must be something so much more.
If we were to Google catcalling, locker room banter, the norms of dating there would be no mention of lust, when at the root of all of it is lust itself. And if we were to Google lust itself we would be given the definition that lust “is an intense sexual attraction to another person. It can be the glue that draws us to a partner and allows for deep physical connection”( Humphrey and Signe 2020). Hummm.
What if I was to tell you that lust is a disorder of our desire for sexual pleasure? That lust is the choice to satisfy our desires before the good of the other person. To put it simply, lust is selfishness. Lust is a disordered love for the self. Let me be clear: sexual desires are not bad (they are actually quite beautiful). However, when they are the motivation behind how we treat others, then they become destructive because they are not in the right context. It is good to have desires, but how we act on them determines whether they lead us to take advantage of another or to want what is good for another. Recognizing and appreciating beauty is actually an invitation to praise God for the beauty of a person – His own dwelling place – and to delight in the opportunity to grow in self-mastery.
According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, lust “is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes” (CCC, 2351). Every desire within us naturally points us to the fullness of communion in our relationships and ultimately to our creator Himself. Ultimately, what we most long for is union with God, and all of our other desires exist to guide us to it. The sexual desire is a beautiful thing, particularly when it can be fully expressed and received without any fear. This shows us a very little glimpse of how God loves us. This is why the virtue of chastity, the apprenticeship in self-mastery is essential, for man will either govern his passions or be dominated by them and become unhappy (CCC 2339).
So how do we tell the difference between authentic love and its counterfeit when we live in a culture where lust is normalized – where we know exactly what it feels like to be used, to be dehumanized, to be grasped at? Saint John Paul II gives us a starting place. He said, “The heart is a battlefield between love and lust.” We begin to answer this question in our own hearts. Lust is not a man’s problem, but a human problem because it is rooted in the heart. Last time I checked, we all got one of those!
I know it may sound cheesy, but let’s look at a love poem. Some of you may have heard it by the name of Songs of Songs, where true love is experienced between a woman and a man. In this love story, the woman is referred to by her lover as a friend, a sister, an enclosed garden: “How beautiful you are, my friend, how beautiful you are! Your eyes are doves behind your veil…How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride, how much more delightful is your love than wine…. You are an enclosed garden, my sister, my bride, an enclosed garden, a fountain sealed” (Song 4:1, 10, 12). The lover recognizes the splendor of the woman, not just her exterior beauty, but also her interior beauty. He does not limit her to merely the physical, but sees her dignity — a sister, a friend, a bride, an enclosed garden. He doesn’t intrude into this garden, take any flowers that weren’t his to take, he waits. He delights in her whole personhood. He acknowledges the physical, but not as something to please his own satisfaction: rather as an invitation to see her more fully, which leads him closer to their shared Creator. His example leads us to ask ourselves if we respond to the splendor of a human person with patience, respect, and delight. Do we will the good of the other when it can be easy to take from them?
The concept that love is willing the good of another can often be just a theory to us. But it is essential to begin to distinguish between loving someone or lusting after them. It is essential to determine if someone is using us or actually willing our good. I like to reflect back to this simple phrase: lust can’t wait to take while love can’t wait to give. Is that person in your life grasping or giving? Are you putting your needs ahead of another’s? Ask yourself, “Is this what’s best for my beloved or is this what’s best for myself?”
My final word of advice to begin to distinguish if someone is loving or lusting is to go to Love Himself. Run to Jesus. Experience His perfect love. For when we experience His love, we will understand that this is the love we are created for. No exceptions. Nothing less. The love we experience from other people are glimpses of the love from the Father. It makes sense, because our love here on earth is made to show us who God is Himself. It is not until we encounter this love that we will know what we are created for. We are made for ‘agape’ love, the love God has for us! His love is sacrificial, a total free gift of Himself and this is how we are created to love one another. Love is waiting for you, wanting you just as you are to come to Him and be held. Do not be discouraged. Do not be afraid.
