Flirting. What’s the Deal?

So that special someone has caught your eye. Romance is in the air, feelings are getting caught, and by-golly you’re determined to let them know. Maybe you drop some subtle hints, tease them a little more than normal, or show them a little extra attention to try to get your point across.

Maybe if they return these actions back, they feel the same. Maybe if they don’t it means they’re just oblivious. Maybe that’s just the way they normally act. This whole “telling someone you like them without using words” thing is hard. You may know it better as flirting.

Flirting is that sly game we all seem to play in our head at one point or another. When we experience a particularly strong attraction to someone of the opposite sex, we often try to test the waters, to see if that someone could possibly like us back. Flirting seems to have its own set of rules, and they differ from person to person, but one thing’s for certain – it’s all very confusing. 

So what’s the deal with flirting? Is it okay to flirt? Is it bad or disrespectful? How do we show someone that we’re interested in them? Is there a type of flirting that isn’t wholesome?

Let’s start off with a quick look at attraction.

At the most basic level to attract someone means to be regarded by another as good. There’s certain people in our lives that we just click with more easily than others. Those instant friendships are the ones where it’s so easy to see the good in another. Throughout our lives we’re going to be attracted to a lot of people we meet because a lot of people are good! But that doesn’t mean we’re called to a romantic relationship with all of them – that’s impossible. Most of them will just be friendships.

But let’s say that there is one person you feel a romantic interest in. Chances are that not only will you want to spend a lot of time with them, but you’re probably going to think about them a lot too. You’re going to want them to notice you, to like you back, and so you may find yourself vying for their attention. Oftentimes that comes out as flirting – trying to “throw a line” out there to start conversation and test interest. But is that okay?

What is flirting? Author and speaker Jason Evert defines flirting as “teasing or toying with another; to pay romantic attention to someone without serious intentions”. 

If we were to look at flirting in this light – paying romantic attention to someone with lack of serious intention – then that’s probably not the best thing to be doing. In fact, it’s kind of disrespectful towards the other because they may be led on to believe that something is there that actually isn’t.

The distinction that needs to be made is this. Am I leading this person on for my own amusement / to boost my self-esteem or am I legitimately trying to show this person I like them? 

To the extent that we’re leading someone on, just toying with them because we like the attention they give us or for fun, flirting is wrong. If we’re using flirting as a kind of game to feel loved and seen, then flirting is never going to be something good. In fact, the other person deserves much more than that and the person doing the flirting deserves a more authentic love than that.

If, on the other hand, you are honestly trying to show someone that you like them, then there are definitely better ways than just flirting. While being playful with someone or trying to spend time with them is fine, there comes a point where things need to get more intentional. At the budding stages of a relationship, flirting may be the natural way two people fall into relating to each other. However, very soon your intentions need to be shown. Integrity needs to govern your interactions. 

If you are serious about pursuing a relationship with this person, then it’s time to move beyond just flirting and let them know. The longer we drag it on, the more it just becomes a game for our amusement.

The key to all of this is intentionality. What are my intentions? If we really, truly want to be with someone, then the way to express it is with our words and actions, not with games. Ask yourself if honesty and integrity are guiding your interactions with this person. The sooner we communicate this clearly, the sooner that relationship will flourish in a healthy, authentic way.