What a 15 Minute Conversation Means for Your Relationship
In 1994, American psychologist Dr. John Gottman reached out to 151 couples in long term marriages for a series of three 15 minute interviews. The interviews consisted of talking about the day they were having, talking about a problem area, and talking about a pleasant part of their marriage. During the course of the conversation, there was not much to be learned about the couples and their relationship with their spouses. At least, that’s how it appeared at first. After looking back at the conversations, Dr. Gottman was able to accurately predict with 90% accuracy which couples would remain together and which ones would divorce over the next few years.
This sounds crazy, right? How could someone be able to predict the outcome of marriages so accurately after witnessing just a brief moment between two people? Well, probably a lot more than expected. Dr. Gottman analyzed each conversation and categorized the emotions expressed by each person and labeled them. He started to see worrying trends associated with harder marriages and with the emotions expressed during those conversations, and found four reactions in particular that were troublesome. Those reactions were stonewalling, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. In couples where one individual or the other expressed these reactions in conversation, their rates of divorce exponentially skyrocketed.
This trend tells us a lot about our relationships with others in our lives even if we’re not married.
How many times have you had a blow-up fight with someone? I’m not talking about a disagreement, but a real fight with someone where you or the other person raised their voices and said some things they didn’t mean? Think about that fight for a second. What caused it? If I had to guess, it was probably two people who didn’t wanna give up on their opinion on something!
Most of the time when our friendships, relationships, marriages, or other connections with others struggle, it’s probably because we are more focused on ourselves or our own desires, failing to see the other with loving eyes. Dr. Gottman understood this, and that’s why he was able to see those reactions as early indicators of stress in relationships. Relationships will fail when we lose our ability to relate to the other person. If we can’t take a moment to listen to the other person, to hear and understand why they think the way they do, then the relationship will be incredibly hard to maintain.
This might be hard to hear. Maybe you’ve seen yourself do this in friendships and relationships. We all invariably fall into this. Once we become aware of it, we have a better chance to not continue this behavior. Now is the time to strike while the iron is hot! Here are some tips to avoid some of these behaviors in your next difficult conversation:
- If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! If you are worried about what you might say next, just don’t say it. Let the emotion pass by and then you will be able to think and speak with a clearer mind.
- Listen to process, not to respond. Take time to listen, process, think and understand why they are saying what they are saying. You don’t need to respond to everything immediately.
- Understand your own responses to intense moments, and then start to defuse them. We all have ways of responding to a conflict that is not ideal: I myself often stonewall or become defensive! But once we know how we tend to respond in stressful moments, we can start to work on not allowing our emotions in those moments to get the better of us.
