Applying for God’s Job

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Wow. I wish I could change X, Y and Z about ____?”  

The older I grow the more I realize my desire to change another human being, especially the guys I’ve dated, leads me to a deeper question of who I am. This desire to change another person stems from the fear of being alone with ourselves. You may be thinking, okay, Olivia, this sounds pretty far fetched. 

Let me pause, and share from my experience. In high school I began talking to the tall, dark, handsome, water polo player who I was just head over heels for. In our friendship, then blurry relationship I found myself feeling so frustrated. If only he would see the value of commitment. If only he would go to Mass. If only he was open to talking about his wounds and issues with this dad. I felt this immense desire to change the parts of him that didn’t uphold my worth, parts of him that he was holding back, parts of him I saw such goodness. 

I realize how many times we stay in relationships because of wrong desires and hopes that the other will change, that they just need some guidance, some time. 

The more I realize how my desire for him to change lead me to changing me and not in the ways that I needed. I saw that I began to believe if I learned more about cars and politics, then he would desire me more and then listen to my requests or if I grow in discipline and vulnerability,  then he would be more willing to grow himself. I began to change myself in order to change him. This ended up not only hurting me, but also him, for I was not being true to either of us. I began to create an image of myself that I couldn’t hold up. 

Maybe you have found yourself thinking if you put enough time and energy into helping them change, he will be the one. I began to put my worth into what I could do in changing him. I didn’t realize that my perspective of helping him grow and seek healing for his wounds was a reflection of wanting a partner who was equally investing in becoming who God created them to be. And this takes the will to work. It is hard work, but a part of the human experience of continual healing. 

At the end of the day, the only person we can change is ourselves. The fear of losing relationships may lead us to disconnect from ourselves. So how do we do the opposite? Take this desire and reorder it to be something powerful and lead up to the happiness and fulfillment we seek? 

So ladies, how do we work on ourselves, how do we grow in the places that need nutrients and time? I want to leave you with the ways I’ve began this journey for my desire to change others has come up in other relationships and friendships. 

First off I realize to learning about myself I should probably go to the person who made me & knows me better than I know myself. Spend time in meditation, prayer and silence with God. He is there to guide your thoughts, reveal hidden memories, and hold you close.

 Secondly, I want to just encourage you to be present to the pain. What are the wounds that you carry, what ways have you made a belief from event that now holds you captive?

 And Finally, take time everyday to see yourself with love. This can look like, spending an extra two minutes in the shower listening to your favorite song, going for a walk with a friend, organizing your room, decorating your binder or planner. Whatever specifically gives you life and brings you joy.