Committed to Being Noncommittal
Imagine this: You’ve just met someone incredible. Slowly, you grow closer; you text, tag each other in memes, and hang out all the time. Things seem to be going pretty well until one day you are hit with this line: “Hey, this is great and all, but I’m not looking to commit to anything right now.” OR maybe they don’t have the guts to tell you this, so they ghost you.
Sadly, it’s possible this scenario isn’t too far off from something you’ve experienced in your own life. If you have, you’re not alone. Many people are throwing their hands up to the sky in defeat and shouting, “WHY does this happen?”
While that description may sound dramatic, this is actually a great question. How can a relationship be thriving one moment and then suddenly, without warning, be cut off? Y’all, I’ve pondered this for some time, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I don’t have all the answers, BUT I’ve determined this issue is tied to something our generation really struggles with: commitment. For some reason, we can’t seem to commit to anything, whether it’s weekend plans or a romantic relationship. This noncommittal disposition has shaken the world of relationships, so I think it’s important we start to understand why this is happening. Here are a few possible reasons:
Reason #1: Divorce
I’m sure we can all think of someone who has been impacted by divorce. Why is this so? Well, according to the American Psychological Association, almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. In the face of this daunting statistic, it’s no wonder people are afraid of this lifelong commitment. And that’s just the thing, it’s supposed to be lifelong! But when we constantly see marriages break-up, we are left to wonder why this supposed permanent commitment doesn’t last. Keeping this in mind, it makes sense that people are wary about pursuing someone long term, especially if they believe there is an expiration date.
Despite this disillusionment with marriage, people are still hopeful. In fact, Pew Research Center found that 69% of Millennials would like to be married. While only 26% of Millennials have made this into a reality, the desire is there. People are craving a solid, loving, long-term commitment but just can’t figure out how to make it last. And without healthy examples of marriage and divorce becoming a solution to difficult unions, it’s no surprise we’re struggling.
Reason #2: Too Many Options
Tinder, Bumble, Hinge – apps like these give us unlimited access to potential companions. But since there are endless options, how can we just pick one? This is our culture’s current dilemma. We have such a fear of missing out in our romantic relationships that we fail to commit to anyone, even if it is someone we really like. Instead, we settle for a constant stream of flirty messages, random dates, and lackluster encounters rather than be “tied down” in a traditional relationship. Always gotta keep the door open just in case, right?
Actually, no. If we are so concerned about having other options, then we won’t be able to give one person our all. Since our investment is divided, we will never fully appreciate the unique gifts someone has to offer or learn how to deal with challenges in relationships. How do I know this? Well, I’ve seen it first hand. As soon as we face the slightest hardship or find a quality we don’t like, we start swiping again. It’s a vicious cycle that makes any commitment nearly impossible.
Reason #3: Fear of Failure
No one likes to fail! I can almost guarantee that no person wakes up in the morning hype over the prospect of epically messing up. But if this is true, then why do we set ourselves up for it? Now you may be thinking, “Wait, what? Laura, I don’t do that!”, but hear me out.
When we continually put ourselves in dicey situations and enter into questionable relationships, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Not knowing what we deserve keeps us in unhealthy cycles with people who confirm all the negative expectations we have for relationships. While in the depths of these experiences, we can be desperate to prove there is nothing worth committing to so we continue to invest in all the wrong people. Basically, we cling to the idea that we can’t be upset about a failed relationship if we knew it was going to flop all along.
Sometimes we don’t let it get that far. Instead, we kindle a little spark with someone and then quickly put it out. Our fear of a relationship failing keeps us from ever starting one. We don’t let anyone in or invest too deeply in one person because they might fail us. Or even worse, we might fail them. This constant fear is crippling. No relationship will ever take off if we don’t recognize that we are our own worst enemy in this situation.
Committing to Commitment
Alright, I think I’ve listed enough reasons to wrestle with for now. While these may be sensitive topics for some, my intention isn’t to @ anyone. My hope is to uncover potential reasons we face challenges with commitment and encourage y’all to overcome them. Because we are not destined to be another tragic statistic, another marriage or relationship that ends. We are not called to be just another option or swipe on a dating app. We are not created to epically fail in all of our relationships. We are made for more! We are made for pursuit. We are made for commitment. And most importantly, we are made for love.
