How Can Engaged Couples Show Affection Before Marriage But Also Abstain From Sex?

What a great question; I’ve often pondered this before. I never really understood the struggle that could be there, I just always thought “Well if you’re practicing chastity while you’re dating it just naturally transfers over;” It wasn’t until I  became engaged that I understood more deeply this question.

Now while yes, if you are practicing chastity during the period of dating before engagement, it does make the transition easier, kinda how if you practice chastity before dating someone, it’s easier to continue practicing chastity once you enter into that committed relationship. Chastity is a virtue, a spiritual muscle, the more we practice it, the better we become.  So bottom line, chastity sets you up for success, practice it.

However just because I may have the great building blocks set into place, doesn’t mean  that that the struggle isn’t there. I’m human! There’s a shift in our hearts that happens once we  get engaged. The desire for intimacy deepens; and the closer we get to the wedding date, the more that desire intensifies. When we become engaged to someone there is a greater commitment to the person; we say I am making a promise to enter into marriage with you and to spend the rest of my life with you. It is only natural that we would desire to show greater affection to our beloved. It may become easier to believe the lie “ Well we already plan on getting married, why wait?” Well because just that, you aren’t married. Sex is intended between a man and a woman in the context of marriage: if we aren’t married yet than we shouldn’t be having sex or sexually intimate acts with our significant other or fiances. Sex is the marriage vow in the flesh; if we haven’t made that commitment, then we are lying with our bodies, whether we realize it or not.

SO back to the original question, How can I show affection while being engaged? I would like to share with you three practical ways that have helped me during this season of engagement.

1. Maintaining Boundaries: We need to maintain our boundaries, just because we are engaged, doesn’t mean that we need to have less boundaries, if anything we should have more. We need to have greater self knowledge of ourselves. Maintaining our boundaries helps us to keep our eyes on the person, and loving them, not falling into using them. Boundaries aren’t restrictions to our love, but actually where we experience the freedom to love.
2. Intentional Date Nights: I’m not saying that we weren’t intentional about our date nights before, but having an intentional date night where it shows our significant other, “ Hey, I love you. I see you. And I listen to you.” Intentional date nights is a great way to enter into what the other person may be passionate about.
3. Proper Physical Affection: We are affirmative beings who need physical touch, so how can I display physical touch that is not sexually intimate and won’t lead to sex? Hand holding, hugs, soft intentional kisses, rubs on the arm or back- that doesn’t cross the line.

These are just three practical ways that have helped me show affection to my fiance that has deepened our relationship. Just remember:  It is natural to struggle. In fact I’d argue the struggle is good; we are struggling against our own humanity and vices to love this person authentically; to love this person with the father’s love; how beautiful is that. You are a human person who has sexual desires, it is okay if we struggle with them – thank God for chastity and His Mercy.  In those moments of struggle, first, say a prayer, a prayer to God asking Him for His help, the grace needed to overcome, but also be honest with your fiance, have that open communication with them. You are not alone in this. I am right here with you, but this fight, man, this fight will make our marriages so much more authentic and joyful.