To Flirt or Not to Flirt?

“Laura, you’re such a flirt! That brother has no idea what hit him!” My friend’s words stung as she analyzed an interaction with a guy I just met. As she reviewed the details of the encounter, I tried to see where I went wrong. All I did was share a little bit about myself and ask about his life. Our personalities clicked and conversation was pretty animated, but I didn’t read into it. Was I at fault? Was I actually flirting with this guy without realizing it?

These questions tugged at my heart for a while. After this interaction, I became more reserved when talking to guys. Instead of highlighting my sense of humor, I kept quiet. I never spent too much time speaking with guys, fearing judgment from others. Even if I liked someone, I never left the opportunity for them to THINK there might be something going on. My guard was up; there was no turning back. This was how things had to be. Right?

Nope. I have to admit that sometimes I take things to extremes, and this was one of those cases. Looking back, I have a little more insight, and now it’s time to drop some truths I needed back in the day.

First, we don’t need to hide who we are. Every person has a unique personality and set of gifts that allow them to connect with others. There is a beauty that is attractive in this and can lead to incredible encounters. This realization helped me learn to be my authentic self with guys. I hope y’all recognize this too! Don’t let interactions with the opposite sex be daunting. If our intentions are pure, we’re not at fault when someone reads things differently. The only thing we can control is our response to the other person.

This brings us to the next point: What are our intentions? If we’re honest, we recognize that sometimes we’re motivated by other, less pure desires in our conversations. This can lead to flirting, which at times, can misuse our beauty, gifts, and talents in order to get something from another person. In his book, If You Really Loved Me, Jason Evert defines flirting as “teasing or toying with another; to pay romantic attention to someone without serious intentions”.

Hearing this definition can hit ya like a two-by-four, but it’s true. Leading someone on when we don’t have any intention of pursuing a relationship fails to honor them. “Stirring the pot” and giving mixed signals will only confuse our relationships and result in frustration. To put ourselves in check, we should ask ourselves the following question: Am I interacting with this person to genuinely get to know them, or am I seeking something else? That something else can be attention, affirmation, a boost in self-esteem, a free drink, etc.

Now you may be thinking, “If flirting is off the table, how do I show interest in someone?” Well, let’s get a few things straight. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know we are attracted to them. If there is interest, show it! It isn’t a game. Being playful and witty are simple ways we can grow in relationship. This isn’t wrong as long as it’s done with integrity. Again, it all goes back to our intentions!

Before wrapping up, I want to get to the heart of this conversation. Why are we flirting at all? Well, we are created for love; we are made to give and receive it. Sometimes though, we do crazy things to satisfy our desire for love. But we have to remember this ache cannot be filled by charming pick-up lines and witty banter. Only God can satisfy our desire for love.

With this in mind, let’s bring our attractions, desires, and hopes to the one who truly fills us. Then, with the help of divine intervention, we can master the art of encountering another as our authentic self and with pure intentions.