I’ma need space, I’ma, I’ma need space

I’ve never been one to know what was the right thing to say. When my friends would be going through any type of turmoil or crying I would usually be left mouth wide open unsure of what to say. I would never want to say anything wrong or just say meaningless comfort words. I also knew that in situations of distress, turmoil, or sadness the last thing I would want is someone coming to me wanting me to open up.

First, it takes time for me to sort through what I’m feeling myself. I need to understand it in order to be able to relay what I’m feeling to another person.

Secondly, most times I feel suffocated. That for me to be able to process and make sure I am able to feel my emotions, I need alone time. I need to have the comfortability to cry or to scream, or to feel nothing.

I love you, but it’s too much.

Due to all of this when it came to my own family members, or friends who have gone through something tragic or hard to deal with I stay back. I thought that my lack of interference would be the best thing for that person. That my lack of involvement was the best way to love that person. For example, if you think about someone who is going through something and imagine the idea of constantly getting calls and texts with the same comfort messages. It gets OVERWHELMING. At some point it gets to be too much. This is the thought I have constantly which stops me from reaching out to those I love.

This is not to say that reaching out does more harm than good or that giving space is worse off. However, I firmly believe that when certain people come to our mind while doing the mundane tasks of life-it happens for a reason. There is a difference in asking all the details about a situation and just asking, “how are you doing?”.

Real life example.

I never knew to the extent just how damaging it can be to say nothing and give someone too much space. In my life I went through a hardship that many people knew about. Whether they made it known or not-word got around and whether it was the truth or a twisted version of it, they knew. Having known how many knew about this I expected to be reached out to. To ask how I am doing, if I’m okay, or what really went down. It astounds me just how hurtful silence can be. Not hearing from those with whom I grew in friendship with, who I assumed would be the first to ask me if I’m okay was hurtful. This made me put into perspective that the false idea I had that I would abstain from trying to comfort those with whom I didn’t know what to say.

How many times do we overestimate. We believe that we should always have the right thing to say at that moment. In some ways this is how social media has done us wrong. Believing that everything in our life can be perfectly manicured to be what we are wanting it to be. We can underrate the power of listening. We don’t always have to have the right words but often times it takes something as simple as, “how have you been?”, and allowing the opportunity to receive the other person.

Feelings about feelings

So yes, maybe the person may need some time to sort out their feelings. Maybe they may need time to feel everything before being able to convey their feelings to another person. That is OKAY. It helps in those moments to let the other person know we see them in that moment and are there for them when they are ready. It is also good to wait a day or two to reach out and ask how they have been doing. It feels good knowing that we are on someone’s mind, and they want to know that we are being taken care of.

Linda, listen.

Essentially what I’m trying to get at is listening is vital to loving someone. We don’t have to have the right words as much as we should be present. Next time that person comes to mind, shoot them a text to let them know they were on your mind. Follow up with a phone call or FaceTime to see how they’re doing. We all deserved to be heard.